Marriage bullying!! I'm not ready to say "I do"!!

Bullying does come in different forms. I didn't realise that, until I went through this............MARRIAGE BULLYING!!

This is a typical day for me.......

Conversation 1

Teacher: Ah, Zahra, when are you getting married?
Me: I have no idea. I asked about it, haven't gotten a reply.
Teacher: You are so pretty and so sweet, you should get married soon.
Me: If only I had the clock on timing all the things in my life.... unfortunately I don't.

Conversation 2

Teacher 2: How old are you?
Me: 25 going on 26 soon.
Teacher 2:  (showing me her married finger), you are not married?
Me: Shocking isn't it? I have to deal with it every day.
Teacher 2: You are smart, beautiful and nice girl. You marry now now. Marry my brother.
Me: (laugh of embarrasment), I do have a preference list. Care to look?

Conversation 3

Me: I need to get to the eye doctor.
Driver: Oh everything is a problem with you.
Me: (keeping myself from lashing out), how about you just driving me to the eye doctor.
Driver: Once you married, all problems will go away.
Me: Oh wow, look at that. So, I'm an infestation of problems just because I am not married?
Driver: Inshallah you marry good South African man.
Me: Inshallah, we can close this topic as soon as possible.

This is a day-to-day bullying of what I go through just because I am NOT married!!
I think there is a serious misunderstanding in this part of the world. As I have witnessed and please correct me if I am wrong, but women here mean nothing unless they are married and bores a child. I am not applying this to only Saudi, I am applying this to strictly to this area. It is as if marriage is our ticket to "success" in life.
Personally , if you couldn't attain success alone or attempted to, what makes you think that it all rests in the "unknown" partner.
I am extremely lucky to have grown up in a household where I got to see the different sides of marriage in order for me to know what kind of person I am and what I am looking for. Desperate is not my mission and I will not fall into that trap. I am lucky that my mother actually encourages me the opposite, because it makes me think harder, work harder on my character as a person in order to actually find the right person.
I am lucky that I didn't get married at a tender age like 19 and then divorced, which seems to be the usual fairytale over here. I am lucky that I had to toughen up a bit in life, meet different faces to know exactly which face is kind or knifing.

What I failed to understand is why is it every one's business whether I am married or not? Why are you trying to edit and delete my life so that I can fit in the perfect "got married at 25 years old" fairytale?
Why am I being judged and denied of certain rights to live a pleasant life just because I am not married?
A good example of that is my driver! It is his mission in life to remind me that my life seriously sucks, because I am not married. Whenever I need to go to the clinic, I always have to hear it from him "You have problems, because you are not married."  Whenever I go to the supermarket "You are a problem, because you are not married." Whenever I want to go to Riyadh "Why you going. So far? Inshallah you get married." What does going to the doctor, supermarket or Riyadh have to do with me being single???? It is funny with all the other teachers he dead quiet like a mouse.... I guess they are married. I would just like to ask him one question "Who signed you up to care so much about my personal life?"


I can't believe that I am being bullied into marriage. My own family and close friends don't even bully me. However here it is as if I am half a person, because I am not married. It is as if all my accomplishments in life don't matter, because I am not married. Never in my life I thought I would see the day where people would hide behind something so beautiful, which is a blessing, but they are making it into an act of desperation. It is as if it is sinful for a woman to be single!!

Well I have one thing to say. First of all, I am sure that Allah has power over all things. He knows every fibre of my being since He made it by His will. So, I am sure that He knows the depth of heart and knows my timeline very well. So, if I would ever have to get married, He will make it happen. NOT YOU!! NOT YOUR BROTHERS, YOUR COUSINS YOUR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SHOVE DOWN MY THROAT.

Secondly, No one hired you to occupy yourself with my personal life.

Also, If I would ever want to get married, I wouldn't tell anyone about it. It would be something that is my business and my family's business. It will be in a "need-to-know-basis."

Thirdly, just because I am single doesn't mean I am doing sinful things. Just because I get to travel alone, live alone, eat alone and sleep alone, doesn't make me sinful. You'd be surprised how many married people act very single when their partners are absent. Also, if you married people stop making a crap job out of it, maybe it would make me more relaxed to get married. Just look at the divorce rate!!!

Fourthly. Have you ever thought that I am actually happy being single????? As much as you can't seem to get it, but I am pretty much happy being single. All my time is my time, no sharing of time. I can make decisions that are good for me on my own and deal with it on my own. I can be with my friends and family whenever I like. I am enjoying the freedom so far.

Lastly. I am still growing, learning and observing and therefore I am not ready. I believe that when I get married, I need to offer something that is priceless for my family and my husband. I am not there yet.
Tell me if I am wrong? Don't you think that it is actually wise of me for learning about my religion, strengthening my Taqwa, my Iman, my love for Allah and our Prophet (pbuh), educating myself about my religion  BEFORE  I get married? Isn't that the most important thing? Isn't it the RIGHT thing?

I don't want to be one of those wives or those moms that didn't take their single life as an opportunity to learn, to grow, to figure the world out before saying "I do".  I think my single life is a blessing from Allah, it is the time to really work hard to better my character, to learn who I am and strive to be a pious woman in Islam. For me, it would be my priceless gift in marriage. I look at my character now, and I have improved,  Alhamdulilah, but I am still not where I want to be or need to be, in order to be in something serious as marriage. I take marriage as a serious matter, it is the one thing I don't play with. If I  marry, it would be for life and not divorce. So, why the rush? There is a reason why we have a saying in English "Easy come easy go" I am not willing to apply that saying into my life.

So, let me learn and let me be. If the time is right, which I myself don't know ,  I am sure Allah will bring that boy along.  You just calm down and take a chill pill.

I am not my hair!- Living with African hair.

So, this weekend was pretty awesome, had good food, good company even though I was very Arabic-ally challenged.

But, before I headed out I had a bit of a dilemma that I thought I would have grown out by my mid 20s. Sadly, not so much!! I think many African ladies can identify with me on this one. HAIR!!!!!!

Many African ladies would tell you that you can tell from how a girl keeps her hair how she keeps herself. If her hair was always neat in any form, then she is a neat person. If her hair was all over the show, then.....you can figure the rest out.

As far as I can remember, the term "hair" has raised hairs on my back and has given me every reason to tear them out more than anything. At some stage in my life, I honestly believed that I would have a peaceful life if I just did the unthinkable......SHAVING IT ALL OFF!! Be as bold like the moon staring back me at night time.

No one has any idea of what it takes for us African ladies to deal with this hair we have. From a young age I dreaded Sunday nights, because that used to be the day when my mom would chase me with a comb or brush, cursing me on how nappy, crinkly my hair looks like. I remember it being more of a tearful event rather than a moment of mother and daughter enjoying a feminine thing. My brother used to tease me endlessly about my hair.

Unlike the other black kids, my mom was very strict in preserving my hair's natural state,  meaning Afro style. Yes, at the age of 13 my hair was big and puffy and the texture was like a delicate sponge as your hands would sink into my scalp. I enjoyed my hair like that. It was natural, the way it was supposed to be.

However ,when I had to go to high school that is when I had a hole in my head about how insecurities of others crushed me.



At some point in my life I wanted to do the unthinkable......Shave my head!!



As soon as I figured braids out, I decided to braid my hair. Did I love braids!! The process of waisting 2 days of my life sitting on a cushion on the floor and braid my hair into beautiful long dreads was awesome! I loved it! I don't think anyone looks as beautiful, as a girl with beautifully braided hair. I also loved braids, because it was the only thing me and my mom could actually agree on. At school everyone would ask me the same questions.

"How long did it take you? " , "Is that your real hair?". "Can you do mine, I will pay you." On and on the admiration for the braids carried. However, after  3 months, it was time to remove the braids and that was a nightmare of note. The cutting of the braid at the end, unbraiding it and then having to undo the knots out of your hair without breaking the precious hair. At the same time, no one can value hair growth as much as an African woman. It has been proven that African hair grows very fast, however, why is it always so damn short?? Well, because it breaks easily. So, we take good care to preserve the little bit that we have to go a long way.

After un- braiding, it was the usual, combing it out session, which would leave headaches for weeks and a tender scalp.

By the age of 16 in high school I started getting teased at school by one big bully. She made my life in high school one living hell after another. It started with the hair. Since my hair was virgin (not chemically treated), I was teased. They would even go as low as saying "She has kaffir hair."  Yes, I said it! Yes, I did!

Just because my hair was curly and beautiful. Big Afros run big in my family. My mom had it, my dad had it and even my big brother had it. So, naturally my hair is better,stronger in a natural African state.

I remembered one day when I came to school and I tied my hair in one big puff at the back. It looked like one big fluffy ball at the back. These bitches would follow me, teasing me day in and day out. 

So, it dawned upon me to go out and beg my mom to get my hair "relaxed." Now, if you don't know what this term mean then you need take a step back.

RELAXED hair simply means chemically straightened hair. This chemical process is a burning experiences that can leave scars on your scalp. Many,  if not all,  African women go through this at some point in their lives.

My mom gave in to my appeal and made an appointment for me. I sat in the chair at the salon and I thought to myself "Just because I am doing this, doesn't change who I am. I refuse to be like those fake bitches at school." However, I wanted to do this, to shut them up once and for all.

So, I got my hair relaxed. It was a painful process as my scalp is very sensitive. However, at the end when the lady was busy blowing my hair out, I couldn't believe that my hair hit at my shoulder. Look, it is RARE to see African people's hair hitting shoulder length. Our hair always comes by the neck. That is it!!

When I was done, my hair was as straight as a skid mark down the high way and I was looking like Andre 3000 from OutKast.

When I got to school the next day I got the response that I was dying for from day one. Silence!! What these idiotic bullies didn't realise is that they shouldn't have tempted a woman with a big Afro to straighten her hair, cause it would only mean that hers would be longer than theirs.

However, what stung me more than anything was the at the lengths we were willing to go to fit inside the fashion or the social acceptable bubble. That is why so many African women have to wear wigs, because our hair is falling out, we have holes in our heads and suffering just so that we can look like the cover of the magazines.

However, it is not just African women's fault, it is society that shove their expectations upon us.



Natural African hair.



"Bad hair makes you look like a slave." That is why our own people say to us!

"Look at you!! with that Jerry curl. Looking like a slave."

"Your hair is like a real course steel wool."

With commentary like this, how are the sister suppose to deal with their beauty if we are not accepting them  the way they are.

Even amongst the men,  there are some brothers that would not date a sister, just because she doesn't have hair like Kelly Rowland. However, what they fail to understand is that how fake do you want us to be to be okay in the eyes of the social society.

Since I straightened/relaxed my hair I have never had a day of rest. I think I might have spent over R3000 in hair products, hair appointments and all that goes with maintaining this fake straight hair. So, I gave up on that and went back to what I love, which are my braids.

Naturally, African hair is suppose to be dreaded. It is only form of how to maintain it. You can hate or love it, but that is how natural our hair comes. If you love Bob Marley, I loved  him too, because he represented a bit of who we are and being okay with it.  Being okay with our hair, the way it suppose to be.

As much as we all had journeys. I have never had much of a journey as I had with my hair. Whenever I travel, the first thing I think of is "Do they have African hair products in that country?", in case a sister is stuck in an emergency. I remember the first time I went to Turkey with my braids. I didn't realise it was so out of the ordinary, everyone wanted to touch it, to feel it......I let them.......even though YOU NEVER  touch an African woman's head. NEVER!

I even bought myself some natural hair weave. Like human hair weave. I would like to say that I didn't buy it to look European.  I bought it, because I was suffering under the Turkish non-African hair products system that left me with no choice, but to get a weave.

Most African women do it, because it is the easiest thing to deal with in our busy lives. I am sorry, but there is no such a thing as a quick a wash-and-wear look for us. I have never washed my hair in the mornings on my way to work. That doesn't exist in my life. In my life after work hair washes, 2 hours of blowing drying, 20 minutes of ironing and making sure I wear a head wrap whenever I go to bed. That is my life. So, should I feel ashamed for wanting to wear a weave just to take a break from all the hair doing?

Now today, when I stood in front of the mirror looking as natural like I have never touched a relaxer before, I loved it. I think Saudi has been the only country where I could chill out a moment. I even put my hair weave away and I haven't had a relaxer in my house for months. I stared at this girl in the mirror and realised that she looked better the way she suppose to look. It felt good combing my very curly, weaving, wiry hair  and braiding it the way I used it when I was only 5 years old. It felt good and I was happy with the image in the mirror.

I thought of writing this blog, because a lot of women, weather African, European or Asian get judged, ridiculed, because we don't seem to represent the ideology of whatever society calls "beautiful" How many women out there are plucking, pulling, cutting, trimming, ripping their bodies and hairs apart just to feel okay? Is it that our families don't validate us enough and we depend on what society asks of us? Is it that women are just mere objects and we have fallen in this trap time and time again?  Is it that, it is a natural thing for women not to be satisfied with themselves? What is it that makes us wanting to change ourselves so much?

We can blame men all we want. We can say, well men are the ones running the show. However, I have found it to be as hostile in the women's circle. Women making other women feel like crap. Women judging, gossipping, laughing at other women. Look at my life and experience of appearance. It was not any man that told me this or that, or made me do this or that. No, it was women. Until this very day, it is still women.  Don't get me wrong on this one. I am not crapping on women or saying that men are better or are innocent, however the disease is within our circle as well. Most girls become anorexic,  because her peers are judging. Her peers are other girls, not dudes.

Maybe if we are kinder to each other, uplift each other, love each other more...maybe we can become stronger and avoid this. Maybe we can see that we are all so beautiful,  the way our Creator intended us to be. After all the beauty is in the differences and not looking like clones of each other. This would also end stereotypes associated with people.

Being at the age that I am, I know and I have always known that I am not my hair. I am not my skin. I am not any one's expectation or wants. A woman's hair is not her. Yes, it is a part of her, but it doesn't make her. That is why I can thank Allah for giving me the veil so that you can SEE me. See me, by understanding me, listening to what comes out of my mouth and see me for who I am and not for my physical attributes.

My first Saudi day after 2 years.

It has been an excellent week since I came back from Makkah, Alhamdulilah.
I think a lot of the change had to do with my way of thinking. I sometimes spend a copious amount of time dreaming of far away places and ignoring the present time of my situation.  I wanted to change that, because I realized that I only have the present and that a distant dreamy place is just that.....a distant dreamy place.

So I decided to do some exploring around campus. By the encouragement of my fellow colleagues and their very attractive personalities, I decided to step outside my office a little bit and to get a shot of fresh air.
Today, a friend, asked me to join them for breakfast. I won't lie, the first thought to my mind was "but I just had a breakfast." However, since being polite is displaying a good character, I decided to suck it up, take up the kilos and enjoy a second round of breakfast.
The best part for me, was the fact that for the first time I could actually chill out with Saudi women and forget about the stereotypes and taboos that are so linked with that tag -line "Saudi women".  This might sound weird to an outsider reading this and wondering what the big deal is regarding hanging out with Saudi ladies....since I am a lady myself. Well, a lot of controversy surrounds this particular topic due to the lack of access into the Saudi culture. A lot of us assume it is better to stay away from Saudis, because socially it seems that people don't hang out that much. Also, in my previous job, we were warned time and time again, DO NOT be near the Saudis. Yes, believe that!!
It often made me very depressed, because as a visitor and a worker in Saudi, I often found it hard to explain or describe the Saudi social aspect to friends and colleagues in my country or countries that I visited. For me, being the person that I am, enjoying cultures, enjoying learning about them, it was even embarrassing not being able to say "well, a Saudi home looks like this from the inside.... and the guests are treated like this...." I couldn't speak of these things that were only mere objects that were unreachable for a period of time.
However, things have changed and for the first time, I can honestly give an opinion about Saudi ladies. Giving an opinion about students is a whole new topic on its own, and don't necessarily represent the entire Saudi female society.
While having breakfast with the Saudi teachers, I really enjoyed laughing with them and sharing a meal. It was of course more than the meal itself. I enjoyed the fact that they find happiness easily and don't drift too long on sad topics. Actually, the company was very refreshing. I was happy to know that it was also refreshing for them to have someone different in their circle of conversation and leisure time. The one lady even said "It is nice to see a different face." She was right, because the feeling was very mutual.
After that, me and my friend decided to visit most parts of the campus, walking in on lectures and just seeing what all the other students are up to. This was far more interesting than the usual thing that I would do, sitting in my office, on my chair and staring into open space.

Eventually, school was over and it was time to go home. We wanted to hang out somewhere and enjoy lunch together. The kind of town I live in, doesn't have many public facilities available for women.... like restaurants with a family section. There is a women's garden here, but was closed during the day. So, she took a brave step and asked me if I would like to enjoy lunch at her house.
I swear my ears were flip-flapping like elephant's ears of excitement, because I wasn't sure if I heard it all right.
Did she actually ask me to go with her to her house???
This might seem strange, but after hearing so many negative things and living in isolated conditions, I assumed that it is just not done in Saudi.
Of course realizing that I might NEVER have this chance again, I took full advantage of the invitation and said "YES" immediately.

This is a typical Saudi house. Big & Beautiful!

Soon we were on our way to her home. I was pretty excited. I think I was really curious of what it feels like to be in a Saudi home and how the setting is. I was nervous at most part of it, because I knew that her father was at home and I wasn't sure how he would take it that a foreign lady was visiting his house.
Soon as we entered the courtyard area, I realized that they have big homes. I mean, it is one thing driving past these huge houses and it is another thing standing in front of one so close, so near.
When we got in the house, I saw her father and I won't lie I was ready to pass out. Not for the fact that I had a glimpse of a man, but it was all in the name of respect.
She explained to him that I am one of the colleague at school and will be hanging out together for the afternoon. I quickly passed by her father and uttered a "Selam Alaykum". I think he was pretty aware of me being scared. My friend did describe my eyes looking distressed, like I just saw a ghost.

This is  how the outside rooms for festivals look like.

Anyhow, soon we were in the women's area.  We took off our abayas, switched on the AC and it was time to rock and roll.
Saudis are very true to the culture and enjoy sticking to their culture. The captivating part of their culture is that it is in their homes. You can't rely on the outside life. It is simply not enough. You need to actually be in a proper Saudi setting to fully understand. Due to the fact that Saudis LOVE privacy, it is hard to access their culture. Even within the family, the young ones are encouraged to hang out with the young ones and not  to mingle as much with the older ladies. Sounds much like how things work back home in Africa.
However,  caught by suprise, Saudi girls are allowed to visit their friends at their homes. I know this might sound really silly. However, if you have lived in Saudi and you see the climax of the social life, which is on a constant 3 out of 5, you would naturally assume that girls only get to see their friends at school and not at home. However, in the more open minded areas of Saudi, girls get to catch up with their friends at their homes. They often come home at ungodly hours of the night and even switch drivers. Excuse me!! I think this called SOCIAL LIFE!! GO GIRLS!!

So, a particular Saudi house has different entrances for men and women. There are also appropriate times for visiting. So, you can' t just pop by, the unexpected hoping to be expected.
There are also different lounge rooms for men and women. The women chill on their own, the men chill on their own, and of course the kids can run in between.
Most houses have 3 floors, actually. First floor that is where all the lounges are, kitchen and reception area. The second floor is where all the bedrooms are. The third floor is the area for the guests. Actually, my friend told me that they have 2 extra rooms for guests.
When we went for a tour outside the house, we got to go to the roof top of the house, where we could see the town market. This was pretty dodgy as we were not geared in our abayas, and we were running from one point to the other lowering our bodies so that no one could see us. The roof terrace was really nice, a place anyone can go for some fresh air or just to gaze at the midnight stars.
We made our way down to the courtyard and went around the backside of the house. There were 2 rooms, one for men and one for women. These rooms are specifically used for festivals, for prayers and celebrating and observing the Islamic events. My friend explained to me, for Eid or any celebration, the whole room is layed out with platters and platters of food.
Food is very much appreciated in the Saudi culture. You are probably thinking what foods do they indulge in? Well, the famous Kabsa, Jereesh, Muttabaq, and many other Arabic foods.
In order to have such a large sum of food one needs to have a large kitchen to prepare this. When she showed me the size of the kitchen I was pretty much in heaven. If  you know me well, you would know that I have a big love for cooking and being in the kitchen. So, when I saw the size of the kitchen I was pretty happy. The kitchen is so large and in charge that it makes the idiom "no two chefs in one kitchen" very in-valid.

This picture is an injustice to how really big the size of the kitchen was.

After our parade in the courtyard, we went back to the women's lounge and she asked me to teach her some African dancing. It was so nice to hear someone asking something about my culture. It is always me asking questions and wanting to learn something about others, but no-one ever asks me. So, it was really heart warming when she asked me that. So, soon we put on some beats and did some dancing moves. It was pretty awesome. It made me happy to see two people from two different cultures having so much to share about ideas, thoughts and even dancing.
I took it upon myself to teach her some South Africa's finest "Petsi" dancing, some "Kwaito" dancing (to the best of my ability), and some "Sokkie" (after all I do come from a very Dutch town).
You wouldn't believe that being in Saudi for almost one 2 years I have never had someone to actually dance with me. Yes, my life was that tragic. Instead of having to enjoy what I always used to enjoy, I used to just ignore it all, because the environment was never conducive enough to encourage such "spontaneous" behavior.  Halt!!! A Saudi girl was willing enough to learn something and wanting to participate. It was a lot of fun.

Really, I know I dragged this blog out to the point where my keyboard even refuses to type out more. However, no one can possible comprehend the amazing phenomena that I had to experience today. It was really a day out of the ordinary. I told my friend
"You do know that people won't believe me that I was in a Saudi house. They will say 'na zim you are lying to us' ."  She replied to me "You 're kidding me, no one would believe there was a South African in my house. They would think I am lying."

So my day was a true Saudi day. My first real Saudi day after being in this country for almost 2 years....

Patience brings many blessings with it.

A new journey, A new story- what does not break me, only makes me stronger!

I always believe that life takes you to places in order to teach you a lesson or to reveal our inner strength and weaknesses.

If it had to be any other time in my life that the Lord above is testing me, it has to be now.

For 3 weeks I haven't been sure of where I will be. The only thing I saw was my lovely holiday and not giving much thought of my return to Saudi. I wasn't prepare for the changes that were about to struck me.

When I arrived in Saudi it was nice to be "home". Well, Saudi can be classified as home, since it is my place of residence for more than a year now. I always enjoy coming back to Saudi, to see the dust settling in mid air and the palm trees gracefully waving in the subtle breeze. 

I was told that I was going to a very small town that I couldn't find
 on google maps. When I eventually arrived at the small town, I was told that I was going to a smaller town. 

So for about 4 days I spent moving from one place to another, between all of this I had to get my iqama renewed and had to go to Riyadh again. 

So, right now, I am finally settled and ready for the year.

I live in a small town that is in the middle of the sand dunes of Saudi. The beautiful part of this town is that, it has a lot of the old clay houses.There is only one main street here, so, there isn't much here. There are camel farms all over the show. While we were driving towards this town, about 2 camels crossed the road. 

I am curious to know how old this town is. What I do know is that it hasn't evolved much and I haven't seen any women outside except for myself and my shadow. 

Today I went to a store near my place to buy somethings to eat and to cook at home. When I got there, it was as if I was entering a shop in those small towns where everyone is looking at you, because somehow they know you are a stranger. While I was doing my shopping, I looked around and realised that this is a small town indeed. I mean, I couldn't even find proper toilet paper. All I could think of was "Allah wants me to be here, I just need to be patient." I won't lie that the tears were about to pop. It is different being in a different place, but when you are the only one in it, with no one that looks familiar, it is something that can break any strong heart.

The second cultural shock I got was when I was at the pay point, and I asked for a phone card, and the man just looked at me. Now, I know that English isn't that big in Saudi, but I never had to struggle for it. For the first time, I couldn't seem to make this man understand that I needed a phone card. I actually held up the queue, and 2 more Saudi s got involved trying to help me. Eventually they understood what I wanted and I just had a sigh of relief.
The third cultural shock I experienced was when I got home and I had to use to bathroom. I realized that I didn't have a western toilet. I stood at the bathroom door just looking at the Eastern Toilet, which is a hole in the ground and finally I broke down in to tears. I was ready to call my mama and  tell her I am coming back to South Africa.  However, I pulled myself together and thought to myself that I can't leave my job, my experiences just for a toilet. 

At that moment, even though I have been in Saudi for a year, I haven't met the realness of Saudi. For a year, Saudi was like looking at a picture that I wasn't part of. Living in Jouf was easy. I stayed in a compound with all the other teachers. I didn't need to learn Arabic, I didn't need to struggle or be faced with any cultural shock.

For the first time, I feel the difference. For the first time I am actually living in Saudi. 

I am curious and very afraid of where this journey will lead me to. Curious, because I want to learn, I want to see who I am  and where I am going. Afraid, because I am doing it alone. I think, for the first time, loneliness called me by my name and I didn't like the sound of it.  I realised that I am a strong girl, no doubt, but underneath I am still a girl, I bruise easily. My close friends would tell you that I am a tough girl, travelling on my own, doing things that I love and not letting anyone stand in my way. However, I am a fragile girl, when the going gets tough, I do want to break in to pieces, but keep myself from it. 

During my moving around and feeling overhelmed, I did have a freak out session. I immediately contacted my brother and told him "dude, I can't live here." He gave me an answer that I couldn't fight with, no matter how much I wanted to, it was too real and to obvious. He said "Allah wants you to be there. He put you there for a reason."  At that moment, I didn't feel desolated, alone and overwhelmed. There are reasons for things in life. I left Jouf for reasons that I felt strongly about and Allah put me here for reasons that I still need to find.

My prayers did get answered. One of them is that I am joining an Islamic Centre, I am working with people that are painfully kind and nice, I got to be in a Saudi house, and being surrounded by Arabic, I will learn it, and Inshallah I will be able to read the Qu'ran the way it is supposed to be read. 

So prayers do get answered, some people can see them and some don't. I don't want to make the mistake of not seeing prayers that are answered. Even though the picture might not be the way we want it to be, but it is perfect for us.  

So, even through all of the shock, the tiredness, the moving and the loneliness, I managed to see the bigger picture. I managed to make peace with myself. I am living, eating, breathing and healthy. What more could a person ask for. Alhamdulilah. This is also a new learning curb for me. An ayah from Surah Al Baqarah came to my heart "Allah burdens not a person beyond his cope"(286). This made me realize that if I wasn't strong enough or meant for this then surely I wouldn't be here. So, in the light of that, I accepted it all and now I am living well and peace. Alhamduliah.

It is a new page, a new road of everything and I am loving my new school. Who knows I might just decide to live in this town forever....well, ok, not forever, but atleast long enough to learn something new.

Remember this "What does not break you, can only make you stronger." True words!

Hello New World!

Finally I am back in Saudi, nothing changed much since I have gone for a little holiday, which is my favorite part of Saudi....it doesn't change.
I have to say that there were a few things that have changed since I left Saudi a week ago for a holiday.
I finally got myself out of Jouf. Alhamdulilah. I have lived in Jouf for 1 year and 2 months, where biggest lesson that I had to learn was patience and endurance. The definition of those words came real to me in my life being in a place that I found went against everything I believed in and lived for.
One of the reasons I left Al Jouf, was that I didn't like the fact that my mind, my skills, everything about me was working for a man who did everything that I didn't believe in. The first example was racism and cultural discrimination  A really good friend of mine got fired, because she was Urdu and not white. However, she grew up all her life in Britain and she is English by far. Also, another good friend of mine who made the run for it, was told to be out of the picture, because he looked Egyptian/Arab and doesn't represent the English/Western side of the university. Mind you, he is born and bred British bloke and has an amazing education behind his name.
So, if you don't look white, then you can't be a native English speaker????? Me, being from South Africa, a country that has so much history regarding racial and cultural segregation, I find it extremely offensive, disrespectful, un-Islamic and most of all ignorant if someone comes up with such bull crap.
I start to wonder, where have you been for all these years? What have you learned in your life about different cultures? Who still does that? If someone had to pipe up with that kind of racial crap in my face, I would pipe them down and show them a thing or two.
Respect comes from understanding oneself and others around you. Respect and understanding is by wanting to learn about different cultures and the history of it all. Mind you, this person, did spend numerous of years in America.....clearly he didn't learn anything!

My second reason for departing Jouf was that, I hate working under fear. The fact that if I just wink in a weird direction then my pay check will be taken from me. This is not the slave trade! These are real teachers, real teachers that have left their families, friends and countries behind to come to your country to help educate them on a language that could open the doors for young Saudis to enter the world of possibilities. Yet, we were treated like that. This is the ancient method of bought labor "if you can't do it, then we will replace you" ,behavouir. Through this, teachers are not valued, cared for and treated with respect.

I am happy to say while I was in Jouf I obeyed the laws of the country, treated everything with respect and kindness. After all I am a guest and I will conduct myself in such a manner. However,what is the price one has to pay? What is the price of ones honour and respect? What is the price of money to one?

This is not all written in sadness. I have learned amazing things in Jouf. I got the chance to teach remarkable girls that will grow into beautiful women. I have seen how wonderful each and every student is, in her own way. I got to inspire and to be inspired and yet keeping the laws of the country.
I have learned be patient. This is a big deal for me. I am a very impatient person that often worries too much about nothing most times. So, for a person like me to be in a place like Jouf, is a miracle and I think I need a gold medal after all that I had to put up with.

After being a teacher in Saudi for one year there are a few things that will change you. 1. Everything is up to Allah and hope for the best. 2. Don't ask for anything, if you don't want the answer to be "Insh Allah", 3. Anything can change at any time, prepare to be flexible with anything that might be thrown in your direction.

I am sad to have left the good teachers of Jouf behind and most of all sad that I left my students behind. They made life really happier and bearable. Secondly I am ecstatic to be working in a new place where people are treated as equals. I like the peacefulness of this place and people doing their own thing.
I like the fact that I am so close to the mosque, and I can hear the sound of the Athan softly ushering people to come for prayer. I like the fact that this a new chapter in my life. A new way of growing and learning. I have made a promise to myself to learn more about Saudi, because it is a country that possesses such great history. I also want to perfect my faith and to be a better person, without the worrying part.

So, hello new world and new things!

A thousand splendid Suns- A story of women who endure and love.

“A man’s heart is a wretched, wretched thing, Mariam. It isn’t like a mother’s womb. It won’t bleed, it won’t stretch to make room for you. I’m the only one who loves you!” 


Those are the most powerful words that shook me from this splendid author's book A thousand Splendid Suns by Khalid Hosseini. 
My admiration towards his creative and emotional pen of words is beyond word, I fell in love with this writer since his first book was published "The Kite Runner". I couldn't believe that anyone could write such a powerful piece of art and do the same thing again in the following novel. He once again took my breath away and created a novel, which weeps for women and gave the best definition of the word "endurance."


A Thousand Splendid Suns is a novel about two Afghan women who come from different paths and met each other through pain and torment during the Soviet-Afghan war and a war of marriage. 
Mariam,  who was an out cast, a bastard child grew up in a small Kolbah, with her mother. Her father, Jalil,  who was a very well known man, couldn't face his act of disgrace by accepting her as his daughter. Miriam's mother, used to warn her, that her father never loved her, because he didn't accept her. The only thing that was good enough for his daughter was to hide her away in the Kolbah, like hiding his shame of sleeping with one of his servants (Miriam's mother). However, Miriam wanted to know his family. She went to the city of Kabul to meet him. However, as shameful as he felt, he didn't even open the door for his little girl. Instead, he hid away in his house with his wives and children. Miriam had to sleep on the streets that night. When she returned from her failed attempt she found her mother hanging from a tree near their Kolbah.


Lyla, who grew up in Kabul was as beautiful as her name described her "nightingale". Her father loved her and gave her education to strengthen her. His words were "Marriage can wait, but education can't." However, during the war, Layla lost her family and her father. Her dream of teaching was as real as the blood of her family on that day they were bombed. Layla was in love with Tariq, who was a cripple. The love between was so strong that the gossip of the town were mere whispers of the trees at night. 
Tariq left Kabul and but took the memories of Layla with him.


Layla and Miriam both stricken by death of family,  ended up being married to the same man. The man who oppressed them. One day they decided to make a run for it.However, the police got a hold of them and they were sent back home. Their punishment for running away were severe beating and imprisonment in their own home.  Both these ladies, from different walks of life, had one thing in common "it was a man's world in Afghanistan" and "endurance is the bitter sweet essence of a woman's power."
Since Miriam couldn't conceive a baby, she found joy in Layla's babies. However, Layla's first baby would be a living memory of her love for Tariq. Yes, Layla was pregnant from Tariq, her lost love. Even though Tariq couldn't be there for her in flesh and blood, her little daughter Aziza, reminded her of what love should feel like. Layla deceived her husband, by making think that Aziza was his. 
One day, Tariq came back, after 15 years of being outside of Kabul and avoiding the disasters of the war.  Layla looked like war herself after 15 years of an abusive husband. She felt ashamed, as she could see in the mirror of Tariq's face, how she, Layla has withered away, just like Kabul. However, Tariq's love for her still saw the Layla whom he kissed under the whispering trees. She told him when he left Kabul she was already pregnant with his child Aziza. He met his daughter for the first time and the manhood, the fatherhood in him spilled love over this jewel of a daughter he missed for 15 years.  Tariq promised her that he still loved her and that he would return for her.
However, by the time , Tariq left, her husband returned home and one of the children spilled the beans by saying a man visited Layla. Miriam and Layla knew what would happen. He was going to beat them to death. Miriam grabbed all the courage in her, everything that was left in her of what this mad man has already taken from her, and hit him over the head with a spade. 
Miriam was tried by the court and was given a death sentence. 
Miriam who couldn't conceive, and life was always harsh to her, found the joys of love through Layla's children. Miriam experienced love for the first time through the eyes of a child. 
Tariq returned for Layla and made up the 15 years that they lost. Through Miriam's courage and divine love, Layla opened a school and fulfilled her dream of teaching.


Even my words can't describe the intensity of this novel. The most amazing talent Khaled Hosseini has is that his narration is from a woman's voice. When reading it, you wouldn't believe that a man could have written this. The emotions, the loss, the severity of love and pain are painted in such a real fashion that it is hard to separate the reader from the character.
He successfully describes the history of Afghanistan and how this country was torn apart by the Soviet powers and  the Islamic fundamentalists, at the same time he walks you through the life of normal Afghan people that not only had war outside their homes, but also inside. 
His passion for letting the woman's voice be heard ripples with courage through the pages that it is so hard to put the book down. 
After I read this book, my eyes filled with tears. Tears of how much it means to be a woman. I realised how much of us have been robbed of our innocents, forced against our will, killed for our beauty and disgraced by our courage. How much of us have been in chains of social ills and our dreams cut short just to fulfil the wants of others and not of ourselves. 
Some of you might think that this book is all about romance. It is not. It is about how one woman gains strength from the other. How one woman finds happiness that she has been yearning for through the love of children. 
I still believe to this day, women are not as strong as men. However, women have endurance above all nature. Women can hold on for dear life as if life depended on itself. Women can give even when there is nothing left to give. A woman can stretch her womb and her life and make space for a baby , wanted or unwanted, where as men can't.  
For many years women have been blamed for their crime of simply being women.  Khaled narrates it so well of how social ills affects the woman in and out of home.  He reflects on how social transition either cripples or enlightens women.  He also successfully makes a comparison between good people and bad people, regardless of their culture, their background and their religion.


Khaled Hosseini's first novel "The Kite Runner" was so impressive that I stumbled on this book. It is in this book that I think we need to know more of this man. He is extremely talented, well composed in his style of writing, but speaks the truth that could kill a mocking bird. 


I will end this post by quoting one of the most heart breaking quotes in the book: “Mariam lay on the couch, hands tucked between her knees, watched the whirlpool of snow twisting and spinning outside the window. She remembered Nana saying once that each snowflake was a sigh heaved by an aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. That all the sighs drifted up the sky, gathered into clouds, then broke into tiny pieces that fell silently on the people below. As a reminder of how people like us suffer, she'd said. How quietly we endure all that falls upon us.”