Lonely traveler. Dealing with the change while others haven't.

Today I realized that travelling can be the best thing, but also the most lonely thing ever....even when you have a million people surrounding you when you head back home.
Let me start of by saying that since I started travelling at the age of 18, I have had the most amazing experiences in my life. Most of my travelling have always been alone, no partner, no friend, just me and my bag full of diaries to record any kind of experience.  I remember travelling to Canada for the first time and spending 5 months in the most beautiful part of British Columbia. I was part of the Canada World Youth program, and pretty much all of my spiritual and emotional growth occurred there. I met a couple of amazing people, dealt with new experiences in my life, and having the chance to choose the right things for myself. I enjoyed every part of Canada. Still till this day, certain sounds, weather pattern, or a particular smell can take me back to a situation I lived through in Kelowna.
When I returned home from Canada, I was so excited to share my life changing events, tell them about my counterpart, and most all share my personal growth as a person. Don't get me wrong, everyone was very happy to see me back home, we would all hang out; however, the sadness overwhelmed me of how they were not getting any of my life changing experiences. None. Soon, everyone was back to their own routine. Could no one see the new change in me? Should I shout louder? Why aren't they getting it? I kept contemplating and wondering if anyone actually missed me or not. To fight the feeling of loneliness, I quickly got into the routine everyone else was going through, but as a person I have changed a great deal that it was hard to get back into the routine of doing the things everyone was doing. Something was off about it all.
During my studies in university, I decided to pursue my dream of seeing Turkey. I always knew that I wanted to get married to a Turk or at least live a relatively Turkish lifestyle. So, I manifested, and actually was able to save enough money to travel to Turkey. Somehow ,I met a really good Turkish person online who directed me to a Turkish family who needed someone to teach their 5 year old son some English. I immediately got in contact with the family, and we were a match made in heaven. I  was extremely open minded and free spirited that I didn't even consider the dangers of travelling to a family that I have never met before.  Soon, my bags were packed and ready to go. Once again, I had the most amazing experience in my life. The family was a dream, and still to this day, I love them like my own. I got to learn the language pretty quickly, learned the culture, and figured that this is where I need to be.  The three months in Turkey were absolutely amazing. Once again, when I was finally on my way home with bags and bags of stories and experiences, I couldn't wait to unpack my adventures of a life time and share them with all my friends. Once again, everyone was happy to see me home, but no one was really interested in understanding the personal transformation that took place in my head and heart. People just couldn't see the world through my eyes. Once again, I was extremely disoriented, I craved my sweet life in Turkey. I craved having a glass of tea and the conversations that came with it. Instead, life was bland and once again I was squeezed in this routine of life, or whatever people make life to be. This kind of devastation happened to me again when I went to Saudi, and even till this day, no matter how much I want to share my experiences of Saudi, people around me will never get it. As a traveler, you often get that special chance to see the world in a different shape, experience your growth in a different context that you can actually feel. However, that is just that, nothing more or less. The sad part is that those events can never be replicated or relived again by others, no matter how hard you to try to paint the picture.......they will never get it.  I realized that I can't blame my friends and families for not getting it. Sometimes, I feel that a lot of me is lost in these different countries, and I often return to South Africa half the person. The part I taught myself is that, when you get home, everything will be the same, your pillow, your home, the daily routine will be the same as you left it. You are the change that can't fit into that routine anymore. 

My most treasured experiences occurred in Saudi. Not many people will ever see the beauty of this country, comprehend its character, nor see the world through its eyes. I am very lucky to have seen Makkah, to have touched the Ka'aba, to have lived a good Islamic life, to have enjoyed the niqab (even though everyone looks at me crazy when I say that), to have made the best and worst decisions there, and to have soaked up the presence of Allah by its vast peaceful landscape.  I love this country even more because I really found the best sister and brother over there.  It hurts even more that I have only memories that live with me, and that the chances of seeing these people again are none. Once again resulting into the life of a lonely traveler.

I have accepted the idea that I will always be a traveler, and the sad part is that there will always be that disconnected feeling of life at times. However, my memory is my best friend, the only thing that can make those experience alive again. I don't blame my friends or people back home for not getting it. I can't get frustrated if they don't see what I have seen, or hear what I have heard.  The beauty is that as long as I know that I have grown for the best, loved the hardest, and that happiness was your force, then that is all that counts. 

Now...dealing with Iraq........

Letting your hair loose.- The life of the hijab.

It is good to write again about my experiences and journey of life and family. I actually missed the fact I would encounter some challenging situations that would test me as a person, and test my devosion to my Lord.

A few days ago, I and my fellow teachers went to do school visits. While were in the car, one of the teachers asked me a question which no one has asked me before. She said "Don't you miss letting your hair loose?". This questions was probably a response to a joke I made that I had a new hair style which no one could see since I wear hijab. Before answering that question, I took a quick trip down memory lane of how my journey was with the hijab. I took a second, and then answered her in the most honest way I possibly could. I said "actually, yes, there are times when I do miss letting my hair down, and not just literally but maybe figuratively,emotionally, and probably socially." I was grateful for her question as I realized that no one has ever asked me that question. To be as real as can be, I have never actually had a conversation with another Muslimah about the hijab and what emotional attachment or detachment we feel towards it. We all assume the same thing, we are wearing it because we want to please Allah and that is the end of the story. However, we aren't robots, we are women, a complex and complicated make of a specie that fights through emotions and various other things in life. 

When I embraced Islam, I didn't automatically pick up a scarf and cover my hair. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do something just because it is the right thing to do or because the masses are doing it. I wanted to know what it means to me , what Allah is trying to teach me through his Quran before attempting any sense of pretense. That is why, wearing the hijab now is a beautiful experience that I love because I went through my struggles with it. Hijab is not just about covering up, it is actually about being modest inside and outside. I would like to share the three parts of my journey with the hijab. 

Part 1. My beauty and the hijab.

I remembered the first time I came across the hijab, I didn't feel it at all. I bought one for the sake of at least having one when I do my prayers or attending the mosque. I stood in front of the mirror with this gorgeous bright green scarf. The moment it touched the shape of my head, I didn't like it. I felt that it was robbing a piece of my beauty, I felt awkward. I  tried putting it on in various ways to at least look modern or attractive in my eyes, but it didn't work.  So, my first relationship with my hijab was just that, only for prayer and Friday prayer, other than that it was in my closet, locked away. I didn't realize that I spiritually also locked it away. I used to pray for Allah to soften my heart and to be able to accept it and love it. Only after I spent 2 years in Saudi, where most of my spiritual growth occured, I fell in love with the hijab. Wearing the hijab in Saudi was easy, and I felt true beauty of it. I finally understood what it meant, and what it meant for me.The test was wearing it outside of Saudi. I would go to Turkey for my short holidays, and usually I wouldn't wear the hijab. However, that year of 2011 it was different. I arrived in Turkey and had no desire to take it off. I felt confident in it, and through that confidence comes with this beauty. I didn't even take my niqab off, for there was no reason for me to. I didn't even feel people's stares burning holes in me.I was truly content with whatever God threw at me. 

Part 2.  Judgement. 

One thing that I never told anyone about wearing the hijab is that it used to hurt me. In the beginning, I felt that because of this hijab, people wouldn't completely relax around me. I love being social, and I really love it when friends feel that they can be who ever they want to be around me. For some time, the more I appeared with the hijab the more distance there was between me and others. People would refrain from making bad jokes around me or being open and honest about certain things. I have always been an open person; therefore, enjoyed it when others were open to me. It was a real struggle for me being excluded from certain conversations, or people treating me like a glass, thinking that whatever they say would scratch my surface or break me into pieces. Even till this day, I often remind my friends that I am still "Zimmy", enjoys having a big fat laugh, and seeing the comedy in life. The hijab is not my identity, it is a part of my identity. Underneath my hijab, there is a person, a person that likes and dislikes certain things, a person that probably has the same hair issues as you do in the mornings, a person that hurts and laughs just like you.

Part 3. Freedom- real meaning
This is probably the struggle most ladies probably face at times. The sad thing is that we sometimes keep it locked away. Do I miss having my hair out at times? Do I miss having the sun kissing my skin? Since, I wasn't born Muslim, yes, there are times when I miss having my hair out. Not because I want to show my hair to the world, but because I miss the wind going through my hair. Yes, sometimes, I do miss wearing jeans and white short sleeve top, NOT for people, but for the sense of comfort. You might wonder, then why don't you just take it off? Be free!! Well, first of all , no one has ever forced me to wear hijab, no man, no woman, no husband, no parent has ever forced me to wear the hijab. I chose to wear it because of what it means for and my devotion to my Lord. Not even the Lord above forced me. I probably could walk outside right now with a mini skirt and hills, but I choose not to. I enjoy the freedom of wanting to cover up. I love being modest, I like the fact that it takes guts to choose to cover up and to be okay with it. Whenever I look at my mom and see how she dresses in a modest way, I feel so proud of her because of that modesty most of us have lost. So, excising my freedom to be modest is the epicenter of why I am in love with my religion.  It has liberated me from society's expectations of what a woman should be perceived as. It has liberated me, for it protects me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

So, the hijab isn't always as easy as it seems. I will always give my thumbs up to Saudi for having gender segregation because we ladies can actually enjoy life hijabless outside of our homes because there are places for women ONLY. I think it is hard having to wear the hijab all day long because of the social situations in most countries where genders are mixed at all times. However, I think us living outside of amazing places like Saudi, get tested harder, but the rewards are higher. So, for all the ladies who are wearing hijab, I know your happy days and bad days. It is normal to go through those emotions because we are human, and Allah knows how He tests His creation. However, those days when you felt like melting inside your abaya because of heat, or those days where you just wanted your neck to feel some air, or those days when nothing in your wardrobe looks good for that scarf, DON'T ever think that you are alone. Seek Allah's favor upon you, ask for Him to make it easy on you,  and always wear it for the right reasons.