My journey to and in Islam has made me realized the woman in me. It has made me appreciate every bit of who I am in me. Most of all, it has made me love the veil.
What is the veil? What does the veil mean to me, to the women who embrace Islam by heart? Is it only a cloth? Is it a way to tell men" don't talk to me" or is it Allah's protection and love for the women that worship Him?
I used to stand in front of my mirror most mornings trying to fix my hijab. I used to think that I look "ugly" in it. I used to adjust it in various ways to make it look more "fashionable", more "acceptable" and less "offensive" to those who didn't like it. I didn't realize how much I was subjecting myself to my own criticism and how much I cared about what the world will say when they see me in it.
Since I started doing my 5 daily salat/namaz/prayers, the veil became something more practical. After all, whenever doing a salat, my hair needs to be covered. I decided to keep it on most times. Soon, I found myself in the kitchen and cooking for friends and myself, and the one thing I hate is hair randomly landing in my food. I decided to keep it on during my cooking. The veil never got into my way, it never stopped me from doing the things that I used to do before I became Muslim.
I acknowledged its purpose in my life, and therefore wore it most times. Now, I can't stand cooking without something covering my hair. I don't like waisting time trying to find a scarf just do a prayer. It is easier, more practical to keep it on at all times.
I thought to myself, "this can't be it". Allah didn't just give me this veil to make cooking better or to prepare myself for salat. No, there had to be more to it.
After all, the internet and the media is forever poking at this thing. This thing that has decided to make us either "conservative" or "liberal", this thing that has divided us between the "west" and the "east".
The veil is my symbol of my devotion to the only true god Allah. The God of Abraham, Isaac, Moses, Joseph, Solomon, Enoch, David, Isa and our final prophet Muhammed (pbuh). It is what Allah asked of me to do and therefore as my act of obedience I will wear it.
However, people often mis judge a Muslim woman,BUT more so Muslim women mis judge themselves.
The veiled woman isn't any better than a woman who doesn't wear it. A veil does not give one more points than the other one. To my shock, I have discovered that most veiled girls are often the ones that are more judgmental, more deprived of who they are and most of all extremely backbiting.
No, that was not Allah's intention with the hijab.
A sister that doesn't wear it, has her own reasons. I can only imagine her going through exactly the same things I went through. We often want to be considered modern. Our outer appearances seem to be of most important in this world rather than the heart we carry.
At the same time,a sister should not be shoved, forced or talked into wear it. It has nothing to do with others. Have we also become so blinded to think that if she wears her hijab everyday that it will stop her from smoking? Will it stop her from having pre marital affairs? No, it will not. The hijab after all is only a cloth, when the proper meaning of it is not applied correctly.
I sat down one day and thought to myself. Why am I wearing the hijab? Do I want other Muslims to have deeper respect for me? Am I conscious about it when I am surrounded by them and I am not wearing it? Will it keep me safe? Will men on the corners of the streets stop whistling at me? Are these the reasons that I am wearing it? When my answer was "yes". I took the veil off. Tears were streaming down my cheeks as I was ashamed that I didn't even understand Allah's purpose for this hijab and how could I wear it in vain. How can I take something that Allah has given us as a gift and twist it to fit my own reasoning.
For many months I didn't wear it. I didn't want to wear it until I discovered and accepted the real purpose for it.
During my trips to Turkey, the first thing I used to do as soon as I landed at the airport, was to untie my hijab and say to myself "freedom at last". I enjoyed the fresh air blowing through my hair. I enjoyed looking open and bare. It was more comfortable without this hijab than with it in a country that is 99% Muslim.
However, I started to realize the dangers of it. I was bare to the whole world. Any kind commentary or even a snare was directed at me. As I was sitting at the back of the taxi on my way to my hotel in Turkey, I saw billboards of women half naked. Billboards of women being judged for how the look like and it was enough. No one cared for what was in their brain, whether they was good or bad. No, they only cared at how these women looked like, how much they lured anyone in with their velaptious hips.
It deeply disturbed me.It disturbed me as a woman, as a "want to be a mother in the future". This was not right.
I went back to the Qu'ran and what Allah says why I need to be covered.
I saw what He saw before me, before I was even born. Allah doesn't want me to be subjected to this world of flesh. As much as people will say "you look so beautiful" without the veil, at the same time it welcomes people saying "you look so sexy" without the veil. I don't want to be sexy for a random person on the streets who I don't even know.
I returned to Saudi, I studied my Qu'ran and fell in love with the words. I stood in front of my mirror one more time and told myself . "You are a creation of Allah, and He knows best. He made you into this miracle with perfection. He gave you a soul so that you can search and worship Him through all your days. You are beautiful just the way you are. Protect that beauty. Hold it near your honor and you will see how Allah's blessings and mercy will be upon you". From that day, I cried for the love I have for my God. I wept for the mistakes I have done. I took my veil, I covered my hair and neck. I looked at myself and for the first time I knew, I am beautiful and it is okay that no one else knows. Allah knows that already, and it is the only thing that matters.
Coming from a very western country and being surrounded by western thoughts of being open and bare. It was a hard thing to understand in the beginning. People have placed the focus on the hijab as if it oppressive. Let me tell you now, "feeling oppressed" is the furthest thing from wearing a scarf around ones head. Islam is against oppression. Hijab is a gift to us women and not a curse. It does not cause hardship, it does not cut a woman's intelligence into half, it does not make you trip nor stumble. It is a symbol of belief, it is Allah's protection and blessings upon all His daughters. I am still me, still enjoy laughing, still enjoy singing, still enjoy reading, eating, chatting to friends and family, the hijab didn't change my personality. It is my symbol of Islam, it is my way of worshiping my Lord. It is me being modest, respecting others around me and most of all respecting myself.
Sub'hanAllah
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