First of all I would like to let you know that I wasn't born Muslim. My mother belongs to the Church of England (Anglican) and my dad was part of the church of Israel.
I grew up with pretty much an open minded family and my mom tried to make us go to church, but me and my brother never felt up to it.
When I was 14 years old I became a very strict and dedicated Christian. I went to Church, did Bible studies and ALMOST landed in the church band (well, I love singing). However, my severe shyness held me back and besides I take worshiping as something really private and didn't like the idea of standing in front of people singing my lungs out.
When my father passed away when I was only 15, the hardest part of my life started. I remember always praying for strength and wisdom.
As I grew up, I started moving away from the church that I was attending. First of all, because, the jumping and the screaming that took place, really made me feel out of place and I also thought that worshiping the Lord, should be something more private and not loud and eruptive.
I started not understanding what the Bible meant for various things. First of all the holy trinity. Why do we say 3 if we know that the Lord is 1? Abraham (pbuh), only praised One God, and so did Adam and Eve. Why are we praying 3? However, when I was still a Christian, I just believed it was a re-incarnation of 3. Many friends would ask why 3, and I wouldn't be able to answer them.
While I was in high school, I remember one of my friends asking me, what kind of man would I marry? For a strange reason I said "a Muslim dude". She asked me why, I said, because they seem to know what to do and how to do it.
As strange as it sounded for them, the strangeness was even more surreal to me. I thought to myself "I am Christian, why on earth would I ever marry a Muslim?"
There was something about my Muslim friends that I liked. They never looking for trouble, they always seem to be dedicated to their prayers, their fasting without making a fuss about it.
So, I maneuvered myelf to the internet and started reading. The first thing I read was that the Bible isn't authentic. How can the word of God not be authentic? It took me back a little bit. It took me so back that I started doing more and more research.
Muslims only worshiped one God. The God of who created Adam and Eve. This God didn't give the bigger blame to the other one. The same God who brought Jesus. The very Jesus I loved. I did my researched and flipped through the Bible and even Jesus said "I was sent here by my Lord." Jesus spent his time praying and fasting.
Another question that was really lingering in my mind was that "Was I worshiping an idol by wearing the cross?" Did God ever said we should commemorate the crucifixion? I knew the answer was no.
Eventually I was so fed up with reading, that I decided to go to a moderate country that had a lot of Muslims in it...Turkey.
I didn't know that Turkey would hold many treasures for me or even be the turning point for me to embrace Islam.
I remembered it so well. The first time I heard the Azan (Athan, call to prayer), it shuttered through me like something stroking my soul. I couldn't explain it to myself even. My eyes were amazed at the wonderful shapes of the mosque. Every day I would hear the Azan and I felt like I needed to do something. So, I would sit in my bed and pray. I wasn't sure what to say really. All knew was that I had to make decisions.
To see how my host family lived, to have walked in their home and was accepted as one of their own was something that really shook me and felt beautiful.
One day, a friend of mine invited me to see his family. His family is pretty religious and welcomed me for a nice meal. The moment I saw the mom, she said to me "She will become Muslim." I didn't know what to do really, I kind of just sat there and nodded. She looked at me again and she said "When you do become Muslims, I think Zehra (Zahra) would be a good name for you." This lady, doesn't know how much she has changed my life.
She gave me a beautiful clock, that had the KA'BAH on it and showed the different directions of prayers from around the world. I still have that clock in my room back in South Africa.
At the same time, I told myself " Lord, if You so willed, I shall become a Muslim. I shall become a worshiper of you.".
That night when I went home, I decided in my heart to be a Muslim. I was not sure how, I was nervous, freaked out and at the same time at peace. At peace with who I am and who my Creator is.
When I headed back home, I had a book that had all the fiqh in it to explain Islam. I read the Shahadah in my room and recited it with full conviction. I became a Muslim. Alhamdulilah.
From this very day, whenever I hear the Azan, the feeling that my soul possess could not be written in words. The pull of Allah's love and Mercy to me is something that I treasure and love.
The first few months were hard being a Muslim. I couldn't tell my mom. She would flip. I couldn't. Eventually I decided to tell her. Her first reaction was "Piss off!!" It was painful to hear that, but at the same time I knew how she would feel about this.
I asked Allah's guidance to show her that I am still her daughter and that I have changed in many good ways.
For many months, I didn't pray. I did fast, but I didn't pray. Not, because my life was busy and hectic. No, because I didn't know how to pray.
I eventually called up a school in my area that teaches young children about Islam. I decided to join them. One woman called Zahra (I know, coincidence isn't it) helped me. She went through everything with me step by step. She said "Ramadan is coming and we should get you ready." I did the prayer with her. I started reciting a few verses and doing a few things, like saying Bismillah for everything good I am doing.
Soon, I started praying every day and tried not missing a prayer. I was so captivated by Islam and the reasons for our many celebrations, I even wrote my research paper for Sociology on Ramadan and the practices that take place during this holy month. I was invited by another family in South Africa, where I got to really observe Ramadan with them. I saw how the women prepared the meals, how they recited the Qur'an and how close the families were towards each other.
Here comes the most amazing part. Every time when I was in my room praying my mom would always walk in on me or she would shout for me to come out and eat or something. When I didn't respond she would open my bedroom door and see me busy praying. I swear, not one day went by without my mom walking in on me.
This lead to her believing that I have truly embraced Islam. My relationship with her, went from being difficult to being amazing. She is the apple of my eye. Till this day, she always tells me "Zimmy, don't stop praying."
I decided to give up my radio career, because in my heart it didn't feel halal. Everything about it was actually really bad. The lifestyle that came with it, was just not good for me. I also realised how soft I am as a person. I couldn't crack it in the radio world. It was too knifing, backstabbing, boastful, conceited for me to be in it. I decided to drop the radio world. Was it an easy decision? Easier than I thought. As soon a I let go of that world of media, my mind and body finally got to rest. Also, as soon as I let go of it, Allah reminded me of a passion I had since I was a child. Teaching. I love teaching. I really love standing in front of a classroom and teaching people new things and helping people. Guess what? My next adventure was me going to Saudi Arabia and being a teacher. Did I even imagine this when I was 13 years old?? Not at all. All I knew was that I was going to Saudi with Allah's blessings. Also this trip to Saudi led me to meet a really good friend, actually, he is my brother. We always kid about being twins, but honestly I was blessed meeting him, because he is one of the people that have made me realize my strengths.
Since, I have been in Saudi, Alhamdulilah, keeping my life halal has been easy. It is a tremendous blessing. My job is halal, my house, my food, everything that was hard back in South Africa, became easier for me here.
All the celebrations that were often lonely or sad back in South Africa, because I was the only Muslim in my family, were easy and wonderful here. Allah has blessed me so much. My eyes have opened more since I have been here.
My eyes have been filled with tears with the love that I feel for my Lord every time I recite the Qu'ran and the loneliness has gone.
A lot of my Christian friends asked me "did I drop Jesus (pbuh)?" No, actually I love him more, because I know who he truly was. You can only love someone or something if you know them for who they really were.
People ask me whether it has been a difficult or an easy road? I say, it has been a path, no path is ever straight. There are times where you find yourself in the middle of a cross road and wonder which way to go now. However, it is trust one puts in Allah to find the right path and to keep to it.
I have had people mocking me, people making fun of me wearing my hijab, people talking behind my back, people cussing my family out, just because I embraced Islam. However, these people are still where they were...clearly they didn't move on.
Even now, I have strengthened my faith so much that I have decided to never take my niqab off. Yet, people are still gossiping behind me, hissing at me...as if I am insulting them by choosing to live a very straight lifestyle. However, it doesn't bother me, it doesn't bother me so much, that I don't even notice anymore.
As a Muslim sister, I still find myself to learn more in this life. I want to learn more and more each day. I am far from being perfect. That is why my Lord has put me in situations to test me. I remember the second time I went to Turkey to work. It was such a bad experience that I thought I was actually going to lose my mind. However, it was a test to see who I really was. If I am stuck in a bad situation, will I sell my soul? I looked at my situation of living in Turkey, not having money to buy food and I could have easily sold my body or did bad things, but I didn't. Actually it was the time my knees fell on the floor and my body was in prostration seeking Allah's help. Help came. Alhamdulilah. I look at how many people I have met, good and bad and realized what they have taught me, how they have strengthened me. Since I have been a Muslim, the tests and blessing have been in abundance. Most all the peace in my heart has been in abundance.
I would like to end of to remind people that I am still Zimmy. I am still that girl that enjoys a good laugh, enjoys the beautiful things of life.I still enjoy cooking, singing, eating and cracking a joke now-and-again. I am still the daughter of Jessie and Benson and the sister of Eugene, and still shy about things. :) Some people think that I changed myself too. I changed my faith, changed how I use to see the world and cut out the bad things.
I am dedicating this blog entry to those that have become Muslims and are struggling with their families. I also dedicate this to a close friend of mine who has just embraced Islam. May Allah draw you nearer to Him.
Ma Salam
I lov u!
ReplyDelete