I realized what the difference was between women and men friendships. Men never take it too far, where as ladies we often just drift into the dream. We even want our friends to be the god parents of our kids.
I think good friendships need that line, that distance not be crossed in order for it to survive. You all know the saying that says "Distance makes the heart grow fonder"...yes, exactly that.
The first rule that people need to understand about friendship is that it is just that....friendship. A person you go out of your house to visit and have coffee with and then you return to your house. Yes, FRIENDS should not stay together. That is a complete no-go area. Don't ever stay with your best friend. It might sound like the best idea in the world...sorry to break it to you, but it is a nightmare. I am not speaking in vain. I know this rule is the best rule ever.
Remember, your friend is there for a reason. It is someone who is not your family, so you don't have to be stuck with them forever. Also the best part of your friend is that they can only deal with the fluff of your life. You never take them into deep, before they freak out.
Also remember, you often compose yourself to a level before you run to your friend and complain to them about whatever has been bugging you. So staying with your friend will do the complete opposite.
They see your good, your bad and your ugly. Staying with your friend also eliminates the boundaries of what was once there. The boundary of privacy, the boundary of wanting to leave if they piss you off. The boundary of not having to deal with their crap as much. The important boundary is what to is allowed to be said.
I think there is nothing more hurtful than a friend that says something so bad that makes you go crazy. The worst part about that is if you live with that friend and you can't even go away to blow off steam or to throw your dishes against the wall of madness. You are stuck right there. No place to go.
Women can be very mean in friendship sometimes. There is always the underline of jealousy that start out being innocent and then it turns into a very vile situation. I saw that and therefore I don't have close girl friends. Not because I planned it, no. It just happened that the people I get along with, people that I can get deep with at a certain point are all men....well, good Muslim brothers.
They seem to know how to give the best advice about everything. When I am ready to pull my hair out of anger, they know how to get me not to not pull my hair out. They are never judgmental on things that can't be changed (looks, beauty, appearance). They are not judgmental but helpful.
For example, I told a close friend here at the compound that I needed to lose weight and to be healthy again.
He was never judgmental, he actually just said, "ok come and exercise at the gym and I will help you. "
Just like that, he was being a friend by helping out and not cussing out. He didn't get too deep about it. No fuss no strings, just straight forward. I remember when I told one girl friend of mine that I needed to lose weight. She first cussed my ass out about how did I let myself go and then she offered her help. After that I went and bought myself a pizza. I remember another girlfriend of mine who wanted to fall in love and got cussed out "well girl how are going to get a man if you look like that"? When that girl finally looked beautiful and found herself a wonderful man, the others were sick of jealousy!!!! You see what I am getting to!
I sometimes think that our friendships are complicated, because our anatomy is complicated. Is it that men are uncomplicated, because their brains are wired that way. They just straight lines and we see a muse of things?
However, my blog is about saving friendship and not breaking it. Living together is breaking it. Especially when the people involved speak their mind.
I have been able to live with many women and never had problems. I think the dynamics worked just fine, because I am a very quiet person,and that gives the balance if the other person is loud. Also, it is not good to share everything with friends....boundaries and respect. Don't tell each other what you think of each others' relationships or marriages. First of all , no one knows what passes between husband and wife and it is not for everyone to know. Secondly, that girl or boy decided to marry that person regardless of their faults. So ,she might be okay with his faults and you are not..but it is not your business.
Another reason for not living with a friend, the boundary of fairness gets a bit blurry. It is the same situation about couples that are not married living together and purchasing things together. At a time it was nice buying thing together, cars, furniture , clothes ect together until the milk went sour. I will quote a Guy Richie movie "When the milk goes sour I am not the kind of cat to drink it." Nobody is! When things don't go well, the sense of fairness of splitting the bills and the chores goes bad. The one feels that she has put in a lot more effort into things and the other one has just surfed the wave. The one feels that she should get her money's worth and the other one feels that she is entitled to keep everything.
See my point!!!
I have seen many things in my time to the point where I am much happier living alone or if I had to live with someone it should be my family, really close friends or my husband. I like the idea of prepping myself up to go outside and meet my friends. I enjoy the time, the laughter the tears at a point and then it is time for me to return to my sanctuary....home. All my friends know how private I am about my family. Only a few have actually seen or met my mom or brother, and I want to keep it that way. I don't like friends mixing in too much in my family life. Once again...boundaries.The same it is for them. I know when to say "no" to some family dinner invite. I always make sure I go with another friend.
I have a handful of friends now, as in people I talk to on a regular basis. I love them enough to respect their time and their boundaries. I guess that is why I am always invited to parties and to dinners, because they know where the line is drawn.
How did I learn these boundaries? Well, the first time when I went overseas I stayed with a Canadian family. I learned that as much as I was a host sister, the emphasis was more on the "host" than the "sister". The second time I stayed with a Turkish family, and the same for them. I never mingled with their affairs. I never passed comments as to what the husband does right or wrong or what the mother should do.. it is their problem. The relationship was so good that I was considered one of their own. I have to give credit to my shyness. I get pretty shy when I am with families and that causes me to shut up most times.
The thing is that friends need is just that. a friend. Someone who they can depend on for advice and a helping hand. Not someone that will cuss out or cut them from their knees, when all they need is guidance.
We often need to reflect on ourselves if we are good friends. Even if you think that you are an amazing one, well ask your friends and see if they agree.
No comments:
Post a Comment