Letting your hair loose.- The life of the hijab.

It is good to write again about my experiences and journey of life and family. I actually missed the fact I would encounter some challenging situations that would test me as a person, and test my devosion to my Lord.

A few days ago, I and my fellow teachers went to do school visits. While were in the car, one of the teachers asked me a question which no one has asked me before. She said "Don't you miss letting your hair loose?". This questions was probably a response to a joke I made that I had a new hair style which no one could see since I wear hijab. Before answering that question, I took a quick trip down memory lane of how my journey was with the hijab. I took a second, and then answered her in the most honest way I possibly could. I said "actually, yes, there are times when I do miss letting my hair down, and not just literally but maybe figuratively,emotionally, and probably socially." I was grateful for her question as I realized that no one has ever asked me that question. To be as real as can be, I have never actually had a conversation with another Muslimah about the hijab and what emotional attachment or detachment we feel towards it. We all assume the same thing, we are wearing it because we want to please Allah and that is the end of the story. However, we aren't robots, we are women, a complex and complicated make of a specie that fights through emotions and various other things in life. 

When I embraced Islam, I didn't automatically pick up a scarf and cover my hair. I didn't want to. I didn't want to do something just because it is the right thing to do or because the masses are doing it. I wanted to know what it means to me , what Allah is trying to teach me through his Quran before attempting any sense of pretense. That is why, wearing the hijab now is a beautiful experience that I love because I went through my struggles with it. Hijab is not just about covering up, it is actually about being modest inside and outside. I would like to share the three parts of my journey with the hijab. 

Part 1. My beauty and the hijab.

I remembered the first time I came across the hijab, I didn't feel it at all. I bought one for the sake of at least having one when I do my prayers or attending the mosque. I stood in front of the mirror with this gorgeous bright green scarf. The moment it touched the shape of my head, I didn't like it. I felt that it was robbing a piece of my beauty, I felt awkward. I  tried putting it on in various ways to at least look modern or attractive in my eyes, but it didn't work.  So, my first relationship with my hijab was just that, only for prayer and Friday prayer, other than that it was in my closet, locked away. I didn't realize that I spiritually also locked it away. I used to pray for Allah to soften my heart and to be able to accept it and love it. Only after I spent 2 years in Saudi, where most of my spiritual growth occured, I fell in love with the hijab. Wearing the hijab in Saudi was easy, and I felt true beauty of it. I finally understood what it meant, and what it meant for me.The test was wearing it outside of Saudi. I would go to Turkey for my short holidays, and usually I wouldn't wear the hijab. However, that year of 2011 it was different. I arrived in Turkey and had no desire to take it off. I felt confident in it, and through that confidence comes with this beauty. I didn't even take my niqab off, for there was no reason for me to. I didn't even feel people's stares burning holes in me.I was truly content with whatever God threw at me. 

Part 2.  Judgement. 

One thing that I never told anyone about wearing the hijab is that it used to hurt me. In the beginning, I felt that because of this hijab, people wouldn't completely relax around me. I love being social, and I really love it when friends feel that they can be who ever they want to be around me. For some time, the more I appeared with the hijab the more distance there was between me and others. People would refrain from making bad jokes around me or being open and honest about certain things. I have always been an open person; therefore, enjoyed it when others were open to me. It was a real struggle for me being excluded from certain conversations, or people treating me like a glass, thinking that whatever they say would scratch my surface or break me into pieces. Even till this day, I often remind my friends that I am still "Zimmy", enjoys having a big fat laugh, and seeing the comedy in life. The hijab is not my identity, it is a part of my identity. Underneath my hijab, there is a person, a person that likes and dislikes certain things, a person that probably has the same hair issues as you do in the mornings, a person that hurts and laughs just like you.

Part 3. Freedom- real meaning
This is probably the struggle most ladies probably face at times. The sad thing is that we sometimes keep it locked away. Do I miss having my hair out at times? Do I miss having the sun kissing my skin? Since, I wasn't born Muslim, yes, there are times when I miss having my hair out. Not because I want to show my hair to the world, but because I miss the wind going through my hair. Yes, sometimes, I do miss wearing jeans and white short sleeve top, NOT for people, but for the sense of comfort. You might wonder, then why don't you just take it off? Be free!! Well, first of all , no one has ever forced me to wear hijab, no man, no woman, no husband, no parent has ever forced me to wear the hijab. I chose to wear it because of what it means for and my devotion to my Lord. Not even the Lord above forced me. I probably could walk outside right now with a mini skirt and hills, but I choose not to. I enjoy the freedom of wanting to cover up. I love being modest, I like the fact that it takes guts to choose to cover up and to be okay with it. Whenever I look at my mom and see how she dresses in a modest way, I feel so proud of her because of that modesty most of us have lost. So, excising my freedom to be modest is the epicenter of why I am in love with my religion.  It has liberated me from society's expectations of what a woman should be perceived as. It has liberated me, for it protects me physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

So, the hijab isn't always as easy as it seems. I will always give my thumbs up to Saudi for having gender segregation because we ladies can actually enjoy life hijabless outside of our homes because there are places for women ONLY. I think it is hard having to wear the hijab all day long because of the social situations in most countries where genders are mixed at all times. However, I think us living outside of amazing places like Saudi, get tested harder, but the rewards are higher. So, for all the ladies who are wearing hijab, I know your happy days and bad days. It is normal to go through those emotions because we are human, and Allah knows how He tests His creation. However, those days when you felt like melting inside your abaya because of heat, or those days where you just wanted your neck to feel some air, or those days when nothing in your wardrobe looks good for that scarf, DON'T ever think that you are alone. Seek Allah's favor upon you, ask for Him to make it easy on you,  and always wear it for the right reasons. 

Goodness in all that is jealous!

Now I have been in a pickle about a certain topic called Ghirah. For those that don't understand, I am happy to inform you.

The term "Ghirah", is an Arabic word which means "protectiveness", or "good jealousy".  This term infers that men should have a slight sense of jealousy towards their wives and brothers towards their sisters.
This is a very good characteristic because it protects the pride of the family and keeps the boundaries clear of what is acceptable and not acceptable.
I am completely for this because I do believe that we need to be protective towards people we love and care about.
One example a man can show his "ghirah" is by encouraging his wife to wear the hijab, to not wear clothing that can attract attention, or simply by keeping away from company with men that are not related to her.
It is actually a man's responsibility to ensure that he enforces the "hijab". Don't misread my words, not force her but enforce the hijab. So, he can tell her to wear the hijab, but if she doesn't want to wear it, it is her decision, and she will face the consequences with God.

However, my issue is that the concept and the idea of ghirah has totally been blown out of proportion to the point that it actually causes people to sin in order to uphold their "ghirah".

The following are NOT ghirah:

1. Spying/Espionage:  Some men think that it is their duty to be so protective that it leads to bad jealousy. This involves a man spying on his wife. Then in turn, these men use "ghirah" as their explanation for their actions. I do not record a hadith nor a Quranic verse that supports this. Actually, espionage is a grave sin in Islam.
I don't know how many of you feel aboud this, but I certainly know that I don't like someone spying on me. Not that I have anything to hide. Spying is a dangerous thing because it can be manipulated to fit your desired outcome. For example, you might see your wife/husband speaking to a co-worker about work; however, due to your issues you might mistaken it for him/her getting too close to someone at work.
This includes someone going to your e-mail without you even knowing it and does his research as he pleases. The reason that I have a big problem with this is; if you wish to check your partners mail, why don't you just ask them first? What is the harm in that? If you just go into someone's e-mail, maybe even an old e-mail, you ARE LOOKING TO FIND SOMETHING INCRIMINATING. If you wanted to do something that is honest, why not ask in the first place? The same way you ask before entering the bathroom, why couldn't you at least respect your spouse even to ask first.What harm is in here? By the way that kind of action is NOT "ghirah" at all.

2. Forbidding your partner to have a life.  Someone men and women take this idea of good jealousy so far that their partner can't even life the life that the dear Lord has given them. When your wife wants to join some girl friends for lunch, all of a sudden you forbid her to go because you have some notion that she might go see some man. Once again, if you have trust issues, why did you enter into marriage the first place?
Trust is something that is not just born, trust is learned and developed. Every time you suspect someone of doing something, then you have ZERO trust. I might as well tell you to throw your wedding ring down the toilet because you will never ever sleep well. You can't prevent your partner from living. If you isolate your partner from her family or even her  friends then you are doing yourself a disservice because she will hate your guts for the rest of your life. I remember that girls in Saudi had even more freedom to see their friends than some Muslims women in our countries. Why? Naturally men and women are segregated in Saudi, so there was some kind of peace of mind that girls are at their girlfriends' houses.So, why are you modern day man trippin???

3. Using force and violence. This is the worst kind of jealousy. Unfortunately this happens all the time. You have some men/women who actually force their partners to do whatever they want to do, to control them to the point that that person has no ability anymore. When these partners fail to be whatever you want them to be, you intimidate them by abusive means. If you think you are walking around with a halo like an angel, why don't you marry yourself then. I can't stand abuse, most of all I can't stand abuse that stem out of jealousy. That kind of relationship is toxic, and worst thing is that you can't change a person that is like that.

4. Leave the past in the past. I have about 6 friends that have gotten married in the past 3 years. All of them are not Muslim. They have done the worst things in their past, I mean, they were  bad ass.However, their marriages are AMAZING!!! On the other hand, I know of two of Muslim marriages where it is as stiff as starch. Here is my thinking... So, here are Muslim sisters stuck in this modern world trying their best to walk the straight path. Avoiding alcohol, wearing the hijab, perhaps she might have fallen in love at some point and didn't work out, but she still walked a straight path so that she can walk into marriage with you  STILLVa virgin, and YET you still give her a hard time of what she did in the past. Who the f@#$ are you? I don't remember an angel in heaven sending down a halo over your head.Until that day happens, stop walking on earth as if the mountains bow down to you.That is why personally I always see some Muslim relationships(NOT ALL) always in a "stress zone". People walking on egg shells the whole day, the woman can't let her hair down. You asking her to feel safe in her home, to be at her most comfortable.How can anyone feel comfortable when they are constantly put on a probation period? She even gives up her career, but still she is under suspicion She wears the hijab out of her own will because she FEARS ALLAH, but yet she is still under doubt in your eyes.   There are many, as in many Muslim brothers out there participating in bad activity, but when they are ready to marry, they want to fall into a girl's arm that has never done what they have done!! Can someone please tell me where the sense is in that? This is the one thing that annoys me big time. And society acts as if it is okay?
This part touches my heart deeply because I probably would be in the same boat. The funny thing is I remember when I was in a halaqah in my earlier days when I became Muslim and I distinctively remember one lady saying that, you shouldn't disclose information that would cause harm to you in the future. If you have sincerely repented for that action and did not repeat it, then that is between you and God. Obviously if it defaults something dire in your future then you will need to speak up, but if it doesn't cause harm then you don't have to. You have people going to Ummrah for things that they have done. And Allah gives them mercy and forgiveness for their sins. Then you will find people still questioning people's character. Who are you to question someone. Who died and made you God? No one, so stop acting that way.
This not ghirah, this is simple pride. The fact that you want to gloat and feel good about yourself. You start feeling good about yourself from yourself before moving on to people.

I wanted to cover this topic for so long because I constantly hear this "good jealousy" thing, but no  one is practicing it in the right way.
The Prophet (pbuh) never spied on his wives? He didn't go behind their backs and tried to suss out information that was irrelevant. He didn't go out and do bad things, and then expected his wives to be wonderful beings from heaven. Instead he treated them as the center of his heart. He enjoyed a good company with them. He displayed complete ghirah, by being protective of them, informing them how to dress in public.
Instead of making your partner,man or woman feeling crap, why don't you actually practice ghirah by treating her in such a way that she is blinded by your love.

Peace!

Storm 

Walking in the rain

Like your tears falling on me again

I can't seem to wipe it all away

I can't wipe the sadness of your face

My view of you is out of focus

When did my picture of us get broken?

Crashed in my heart

All into pieces that I can't collect

Cut myself while putting it all together

Bleeding from the inside nothing's forever

I can be only the frame 

The only way I know to keep me sane

Like your tears falling on me again

Soaking me from top to bottom

Wondering where are those days I blossomed

I search for myself while finding you

With it all I got bruised 

Left a mark on my soul

Lost of what I felt was my own

Gravity is holding me down 

I can't seem to rise up as I only drown

Drowning in  your tears again 

Falling on to me like heavy rain

I pray for the sun to come up 

To kiss me on the face again

The way it used to be 

The way I used to feel.

They way I was happy in me.

Baby Love

This year has flown by so fast that I sometimes feel so guilty for not keeping a diary and not jotting down all the happenings around me.

My daughter has passed her 4 month mark successfully; I can only thank Allah for that. Since the day she was born, I have been able to see life in a different light, a different sound, and from a different eye.
When I look at my daughter, I realize how precious life is, and that I shouldn't take anything for granted.
She gives me that strength when I feel like giving in, the smile when I am overwhelmed with tears, and the joy when loneliness is my best friend.

Me and my daughter have been able to grow together regardless of the separation anxiety that we both suffer from at times. Being a mom is sometimes tricky. You want to be the guardian angel that protects the household, and you still want to be that stilettos-high heels kitten that wants to make the best of life. The biggest lesson that I have learned was that to be both is possible. However, you being both will take a life time of learning.

Being a working mom is something that is easier said that done. In this post I would like to recognize all moms that are actually doing it. I also want to give thumbs up to mom that have taken the best decision to stay at home. Before I got married, I always dreamed of being a stay at home-mom. To have my eye on my kids, to be their teacher and raise them was my set goal. However, life never turns out as we plan. Due to certain circumstances, I ended up being a working mom. I am grateful that I am a working mom because I would like my daughter to know that -yes- women can work in the world, and that we should be valued. However, taking this position was the most difficult pill to swallow. I guess a lot of my stress and sadness came from the fact that I never got that 3 month maternity leave that most mommies get around the world. I only had one month to spend with my daughter before heading back to work.
On the first day of work, I remember how I cried like a baby on my way to work. I felt like I was being the worst mom in the world. I was stressed out about my child, stressed out about my milk supply and worrying how I will make it through the day. Not one minute went by without me wondering how baby Riri was doing.  As soon as the clock struck 1pm, I ran home as fast I could, so that I could see my little angel. To my surprise she was doing fine, luckily my mom was able to comfort her, and to keep the tears at a minimum.
I thought that I would be feeling this way only in the  beginning and soon, I would be able to get "used to it". However, you NEVER get "used to it". You never get used to leaving your baby, no matter how protected her environment is, or how many times you have done it, you simply never get used to it.
It was something that I had to mentally train myself that even though the separation between infant and mother is a big torture, I just had to find a way to work through it.
Here I am 4 month later, my daughter is a big bundle of love, and still I am sad leaving the house for work. Therefore, I salute the mothers that do stay at home. You are doing an awesome job, and let no one tell you any different. I envy the time that you never miss with your babies. Time is the most precious thing between a mom and a child. Time is what makes that love blossom, time is what bonds you closer and closer. Luckily I am able to make up for that time in the mornings before I go to work, and in the evenings when I come home.
One thing about being a working mom is that nothing seems impossible anymore. The idea of cooking, doing some house work, burping the baby, and still grading the exams, is a skill one can only acquire from continuous experience. Somehow when I go to bed at night, I wonder to myself "How on earth did I just manage that all?"  That is when I close my eyes and thank God for giving me that extra strength to make it through the day.

At the moment my baby is going through a transition of learning. Now, she has found her voice, and is starting to participate in daily conversations.  She enjoys screaming at her toys, and tearing mommy's hair from her skin. Her daily ritual of drooling all over my clothes is her love bite to me. She enjoys seeing bright colors, and finds the T.V the most amazing the thing in the world. She indulges in watching Al Jazeera news and watches it with a face expression that exclaims, "I know what is going on around the world."
Her cheeks are growing heavier and heavier, plum and begging to be bitten or kissed. One of the most beautiful things that she does is when she wakes up in the morning. No matter how messed up her day is, she always wakes up with a beautiful smile, ready to greet the world.

It has been a long road, but a blessed road for sure. With all the drama going about in our live,s we have managed to come this far. I was even suffering from low milk supply, and somehow, here I am 4 months later still providing my baby with my milk. God is indeed our guardian, protector, and watches over us. I am truly blessed for having these experiences in my life.

So, to all mommies that are struggling to make it through , don't worry your prayers are being heard. You are doing an awesome job, and don't give in. I am able to appreciate my mom more now that I am a mom. I can finally understand how much she loves me, now that I can experience that love with my daughter.
A mother's love is near to God's love, unconditional and merciful.

Peace!

Motherhood- Life at its greatest

Someone once told me that once you become a mother, you have the ability to fall in love unconditionally, therefore understanding God's love.
Indeed, as those words echo in my memory, each day is a true revelation that love can be unconditional, you can love a "stranger".
The journey of motherhood has taught me many things, and each day is a learning curb. The last couple of weeks, I have seen my daughter grow, developing her mind, her sight and sound. Each day there is something new to discover about her. The past few days she has been suffering from constipation, therefore each day I had to massage  her tummy, roll her legs up and down so that she can do her business. It is funny how a mom can get excited from the sight of  her child's poo. Yes, motherhood is also about getting excited about the things that can make anyone cringe.
I'm sure there are a lot of mothers out there that can identify with the fact that your life is never the same again once you have a little one at home.  I can never forget the day of giving birth to my little one,  and the moment I laid eyes on her, I imprinted in her. When she came out of me, and I got the chance to hold her, her body was the right temperature. I will never forget how her eyes locked into mine and her cute hands slightly covering her face.  That day when I brought her home, our lives changed. You truly learn the meaning of what it is like to live for someone else. I think a lot of mom's can agree that motherhood change 3 different things about your life.
1. Sleep is never the same again!  Yes, the funny thing is I thought I would be so exhausted,  that I wouldn't be able to dedicate my time towards other things. However, a baby just changes your lazy ass to being an-alert-on-the-clock-ass. I religiously wake up at 3 am and 5 am with no sweat.  The idea of being in a deep sleep doesn't exist either. Any slight "sigh", "mm", cry or a whim makes me run out of bed to check on my little one.
2.  It is not about you anymore.  A lot of women might think that after pregnancy, they can finally go back to what things used to be..especially with the body. Not so much. After pregnancy and birth, you will need to feed the new person in your life. If you want to breastfeed, you will need to eat a lot and forget about the superficial elements we embrace.  I am one of those unfortunate ones that weren't  blessed with a high inventory of breast milk. So it is my job to eat as much as I can, drink as much as I can in order to keep that milk supply up. What does that mean for the figure?? Well, my body is on hold until 6 months,, for now it is about the love of my life growing healthy. Your time and energy is not about you anymore. My baby's life doesn't revolve around my schedule, instead, my life (if any left) revolves around her. I never thought that going to a restaurant can be such a big planning ordeal.  Feed her before hand, burp her, change diaper, rock her to sleep......deep sleep and then go to the restaurant.

3. Motherhood is very different from fatherhood.  A lot of women get frustrated with their partners during pregnancy, because they can't identify with anything they are going through. Men can't help it.  They aren't as emotional, they don't have to carry someone for 9 months and at the same time going through that journey. So, by the time birth hits and you are hoping that he will finally understand, but no, they don't. Or let me not be cruel... maybe they do, but we expect them to feel the same way we do.  My husband is totally in love with our daughter, really loves her so much. However, like during pregnancy, their attachment to the actual situation is very different, which can be frustrating at times. I discovered that it is frustrating for me, because I am expecting him to be all motherly, which is impossible.

One thing that I learned about motherhood is love for all children. Loving ones own only expands the love for others as well.  Children are precious and should be loved and protected by us all. When I see a child going through some kind of grief, I can't help myself wanting to help or even feeling some kind of sadness.
Motherhood is a gift and not a burden. It is an honor and not a punishment. The more we can try and see life through a mother's eyes, the better we can understand each other and treat each other with unconditional love and kindness.

Picture Perfect - Mommy and baby

I have always been obsessed with pictures of mother and baby animal pictures. I think animals have the same emotions and affections as we do. I recently watched an elephant giving birth to her baby. After the baby came out, he/she was lying lifeless on the floor. The mom elephant got freaked out,  and she started moving her baby around to get it to wake up.  The mom proceeded to wrap her trunk around her baby's trunk and pulled the baby's head up. This movement somehow opened the airways for the baby. Suddenly the baby took its first breath, freaked out, eyes moving around. Soon the baby was on its feet next to his mom.

After watching this video clip tears were streaming down my face at how a mom, any mom has the instinct to help her young, whether an animal or not. It makes you think that life is so much more than what our naked eyes can see.

I collected these pictures, because they resemble life and unity between a mom and her young. As usual.....the fathers are not featured :)lol!

Our love can't be measured nor it's height be taken.

Mommy's love is always a wet kiss on the face. 

Each day is an adventure of learning. 

Happiness is you! 

I'm just comfy where I am. 

We all need a little push sometimes. 

There is always enough love in my heart for all of you. 

Pregnancy Bliss

Nothing gives you a reality check than being pregnant. Yes, I said it! Yes, I am almost 5 months pregnant , and life is peachy.
Being pregnant has been a journey that is so different to anything that I have experienced. It is as if God is so much there, and you are so much aware of His presence.
The best thing about pregnancy is really falling in love with the little one. No one knows how powerful that love is. I have to say, NOW I know what my mom's love feels like towards me. Every change, every moment alarms you in such away that you end up being stressed 24/7 about this little one.
The best thing about my little one is that he/she pretty much wakes up when I wake. Whenever I take a small rest between classes, she always gives me a slight kick to say "Good job mom. Teach these kids a lesson." So, being an expecting mom has so much emotional impact on the way you perceive life, live life, and understanding life.

Even though pregnancy is the most phenomenal thing that can happen to a woman, it can also be the hardest thing to digest. If pregnancy was a walk in a park, I am sure all women would like to pregnant every day all day. However, life isn't as simple as that. People often expect pregnant women to be wide eyed happy about every single day in their lives. People think we go to bed besides ourselves happy and wake freaking excited about everything!!! YEAAHH!! Not so much. The worst, is when we don't seem so over excited about things,  people start to think that we are either very regretful or blame the child. God forbid!!
 Let me just give a taste of what goes on in a pregnant woman's daily life.

First few weeks when she found she was pregnant she was probably so scared that she ended up crying alone in the bathroom. You didn't even notice that.
There was no break between understanding what just happened and the sudden rush of hormones that completely took over her life.  You didn't even notice that too.
She feels sick every morning. The sickness gets so bad that she eventually gets use to it. She tries to snack on things to keep the nausea down. Not once did she blame the baby or God on that. You didn't even notice.
Her footsteps are more careful. She starts to think differently, it is not just about her anymore. So she doesn't take the short cuts in life anymore. She doesn't walk on wet floors in case she slips, she checks out the traffic thoroughly before crossing the streets. You still didn't notice.
Even though she is going through the sickness and not being able to keep food down, she worries for her little one, she wants to get all the nutrients in her body for the sake of the child. She moves away from those that smoke around her, she actually ends up shouting at the smokers. How dare they!! You still didn't notice.

She still behaves like a professional woman. Regardless of the sickness, the back ache, the swollen feet, the head aches, the bleeding nose, the rapid weight gain, she STILL gets up and goes to work. At work she literally keeps her hormones down so that she doesn't shoot people. She works a full day, goes home and cooks, washes things, cares for the ones around her. You didn't bother to notice.
She goes to work even though her status is ranked so high by God where she doesn't have to carry such a burden on her, where paradise is at her feet. Yet, she still does her duty, helping those around her.
She looks at herself in the mirrors, she looks at he bump and is overwhelmed with joy, at the same time she bursts into tears as her body is transforming into something that she isn't use to. She sucks it up when people comment on her weight gain, when people call her too big for the month or when people make her feel larger than life. You still didn't notice.
She sacrifices her wants, puts her ambitions on hold for the sake of the child. Everything that she pursues change direction as she includes her little one in everything that she plans.  You still didn't notice.

So a pregnant woman goes through a lot, puts up with a lot and has to deal with a lot. Yet, you didn't notice any of the hardship she endures.   Image you having a gas problem, urine problem, headache, stretching joints, aching feet and heartburn all at the same time, I don't think you would be happy all the time.  There is this illusion that pregnancy is full of pink and beautiful colors  Yes, part of it is beautiful but there is a great part where it is not so beautiful. The best you can do is to make her feel good, to make her feel that she is not going through it all alone.
So when you do see a cranky pregnant woman, try to be understanding. Who knows the baby could be sitting on her bladder and all she wants is just some relief.