Storm 

Walking in the rain

Like your tears falling on me again

I can't seem to wipe it all away

I can't wipe the sadness of your face

My view of you is out of focus

When did my picture of us get broken?

Crashed in my heart

All into pieces that I can't collect

Cut myself while putting it all together

Bleeding from the inside nothing's forever

I can be only the frame 

The only way I know to keep me sane

Like your tears falling on me again

Soaking me from top to bottom

Wondering where are those days I blossomed

I search for myself while finding you

With it all I got bruised 

Left a mark on my soul

Lost of what I felt was my own

Gravity is holding me down 

I can't seem to rise up as I only drown

Drowning in  your tears again 

Falling on to me like heavy rain

I pray for the sun to come up 

To kiss me on the face again

The way it used to be 

The way I used to feel.

They way I was happy in me.

Baby Love

This year has flown by so fast that I sometimes feel so guilty for not keeping a diary and not jotting down all the happenings around me.

My daughter has passed her 4 month mark successfully; I can only thank Allah for that. Since the day she was born, I have been able to see life in a different light, a different sound, and from a different eye.
When I look at my daughter, I realize how precious life is, and that I shouldn't take anything for granted.
She gives me that strength when I feel like giving in, the smile when I am overwhelmed with tears, and the joy when loneliness is my best friend.

Me and my daughter have been able to grow together regardless of the separation anxiety that we both suffer from at times. Being a mom is sometimes tricky. You want to be the guardian angel that protects the household, and you still want to be that stilettos-high heels kitten that wants to make the best of life. The biggest lesson that I have learned was that to be both is possible. However, you being both will take a life time of learning.

Being a working mom is something that is easier said that done. In this post I would like to recognize all moms that are actually doing it. I also want to give thumbs up to mom that have taken the best decision to stay at home. Before I got married, I always dreamed of being a stay at home-mom. To have my eye on my kids, to be their teacher and raise them was my set goal. However, life never turns out as we plan. Due to certain circumstances, I ended up being a working mom. I am grateful that I am a working mom because I would like my daughter to know that -yes- women can work in the world, and that we should be valued. However, taking this position was the most difficult pill to swallow. I guess a lot of my stress and sadness came from the fact that I never got that 3 month maternity leave that most mommies get around the world. I only had one month to spend with my daughter before heading back to work.
On the first day of work, I remember how I cried like a baby on my way to work. I felt like I was being the worst mom in the world. I was stressed out about my child, stressed out about my milk supply and worrying how I will make it through the day. Not one minute went by without me wondering how baby Riri was doing.  As soon as the clock struck 1pm, I ran home as fast I could, so that I could see my little angel. To my surprise she was doing fine, luckily my mom was able to comfort her, and to keep the tears at a minimum.
I thought that I would be feeling this way only in the  beginning and soon, I would be able to get "used to it". However, you NEVER get "used to it". You never get used to leaving your baby, no matter how protected her environment is, or how many times you have done it, you simply never get used to it.
It was something that I had to mentally train myself that even though the separation between infant and mother is a big torture, I just had to find a way to work through it.
Here I am 4 month later, my daughter is a big bundle of love, and still I am sad leaving the house for work. Therefore, I salute the mothers that do stay at home. You are doing an awesome job, and let no one tell you any different. I envy the time that you never miss with your babies. Time is the most precious thing between a mom and a child. Time is what makes that love blossom, time is what bonds you closer and closer. Luckily I am able to make up for that time in the mornings before I go to work, and in the evenings when I come home.
One thing about being a working mom is that nothing seems impossible anymore. The idea of cooking, doing some house work, burping the baby, and still grading the exams, is a skill one can only acquire from continuous experience. Somehow when I go to bed at night, I wonder to myself "How on earth did I just manage that all?"  That is when I close my eyes and thank God for giving me that extra strength to make it through the day.

At the moment my baby is going through a transition of learning. Now, she has found her voice, and is starting to participate in daily conversations.  She enjoys screaming at her toys, and tearing mommy's hair from her skin. Her daily ritual of drooling all over my clothes is her love bite to me. She enjoys seeing bright colors, and finds the T.V the most amazing the thing in the world. She indulges in watching Al Jazeera news and watches it with a face expression that exclaims, "I know what is going on around the world."
Her cheeks are growing heavier and heavier, plum and begging to be bitten or kissed. One of the most beautiful things that she does is when she wakes up in the morning. No matter how messed up her day is, she always wakes up with a beautiful smile, ready to greet the world.

It has been a long road, but a blessed road for sure. With all the drama going about in our live,s we have managed to come this far. I was even suffering from low milk supply, and somehow, here I am 4 months later still providing my baby with my milk. God is indeed our guardian, protector, and watches over us. I am truly blessed for having these experiences in my life.

So, to all mommies that are struggling to make it through , don't worry your prayers are being heard. You are doing an awesome job, and don't give in. I am able to appreciate my mom more now that I am a mom. I can finally understand how much she loves me, now that I can experience that love with my daughter.
A mother's love is near to God's love, unconditional and merciful.

Peace!

Motherhood- Life at its greatest

Someone once told me that once you become a mother, you have the ability to fall in love unconditionally, therefore understanding God's love.
Indeed, as those words echo in my memory, each day is a true revelation that love can be unconditional, you can love a "stranger".
The journey of motherhood has taught me many things, and each day is a learning curb. The last couple of weeks, I have seen my daughter grow, developing her mind, her sight and sound. Each day there is something new to discover about her. The past few days she has been suffering from constipation, therefore each day I had to massage  her tummy, roll her legs up and down so that she can do her business. It is funny how a mom can get excited from the sight of  her child's poo. Yes, motherhood is also about getting excited about the things that can make anyone cringe.
I'm sure there are a lot of mothers out there that can identify with the fact that your life is never the same again once you have a little one at home.  I can never forget the day of giving birth to my little one,  and the moment I laid eyes on her, I imprinted in her. When she came out of me, and I got the chance to hold her, her body was the right temperature. I will never forget how her eyes locked into mine and her cute hands slightly covering her face.  That day when I brought her home, our lives changed. You truly learn the meaning of what it is like to live for someone else. I think a lot of mom's can agree that motherhood change 3 different things about your life.
1. Sleep is never the same again!  Yes, the funny thing is I thought I would be so exhausted,  that I wouldn't be able to dedicate my time towards other things. However, a baby just changes your lazy ass to being an-alert-on-the-clock-ass. I religiously wake up at 3 am and 5 am with no sweat.  The idea of being in a deep sleep doesn't exist either. Any slight "sigh", "mm", cry or a whim makes me run out of bed to check on my little one.
2.  It is not about you anymore.  A lot of women might think that after pregnancy, they can finally go back to what things used to be..especially with the body. Not so much. After pregnancy and birth, you will need to feed the new person in your life. If you want to breastfeed, you will need to eat a lot and forget about the superficial elements we embrace.  I am one of those unfortunate ones that weren't  blessed with a high inventory of breast milk. So it is my job to eat as much as I can, drink as much as I can in order to keep that milk supply up. What does that mean for the figure?? Well, my body is on hold until 6 months,, for now it is about the love of my life growing healthy. Your time and energy is not about you anymore. My baby's life doesn't revolve around my schedule, instead, my life (if any left) revolves around her. I never thought that going to a restaurant can be such a big planning ordeal.  Feed her before hand, burp her, change diaper, rock her to sleep......deep sleep and then go to the restaurant.

3. Motherhood is very different from fatherhood.  A lot of women get frustrated with their partners during pregnancy, because they can't identify with anything they are going through. Men can't help it.  They aren't as emotional, they don't have to carry someone for 9 months and at the same time going through that journey. So, by the time birth hits and you are hoping that he will finally understand, but no, they don't. Or let me not be cruel... maybe they do, but we expect them to feel the same way we do.  My husband is totally in love with our daughter, really loves her so much. However, like during pregnancy, their attachment to the actual situation is very different, which can be frustrating at times. I discovered that it is frustrating for me, because I am expecting him to be all motherly, which is impossible.

One thing that I learned about motherhood is love for all children. Loving ones own only expands the love for others as well.  Children are precious and should be loved and protected by us all. When I see a child going through some kind of grief, I can't help myself wanting to help or even feeling some kind of sadness.
Motherhood is a gift and not a burden. It is an honor and not a punishment. The more we can try and see life through a mother's eyes, the better we can understand each other and treat each other with unconditional love and kindness.

Picture Perfect - Mommy and baby

I have always been obsessed with pictures of mother and baby animal pictures. I think animals have the same emotions and affections as we do. I recently watched an elephant giving birth to her baby. After the baby came out, he/she was lying lifeless on the floor. The mom elephant got freaked out,  and she started moving her baby around to get it to wake up.  The mom proceeded to wrap her trunk around her baby's trunk and pulled the baby's head up. This movement somehow opened the airways for the baby. Suddenly the baby took its first breath, freaked out, eyes moving around. Soon the baby was on its feet next to his mom.

After watching this video clip tears were streaming down my face at how a mom, any mom has the instinct to help her young, whether an animal or not. It makes you think that life is so much more than what our naked eyes can see.

I collected these pictures, because they resemble life and unity between a mom and her young. As usual.....the fathers are not featured :)lol!

Our love can't be measured nor it's height be taken.

Mommy's love is always a wet kiss on the face. 

Each day is an adventure of learning. 

Happiness is you! 

I'm just comfy where I am. 

We all need a little push sometimes. 

There is always enough love in my heart for all of you. 

Pregnancy Bliss

Nothing gives you a reality check than being pregnant. Yes, I said it! Yes, I am almost 5 months pregnant , and life is peachy.
Being pregnant has been a journey that is so different to anything that I have experienced. It is as if God is so much there, and you are so much aware of His presence.
The best thing about pregnancy is really falling in love with the little one. No one knows how powerful that love is. I have to say, NOW I know what my mom's love feels like towards me. Every change, every moment alarms you in such away that you end up being stressed 24/7 about this little one.
The best thing about my little one is that he/she pretty much wakes up when I wake. Whenever I take a small rest between classes, she always gives me a slight kick to say "Good job mom. Teach these kids a lesson." So, being an expecting mom has so much emotional impact on the way you perceive life, live life, and understanding life.

Even though pregnancy is the most phenomenal thing that can happen to a woman, it can also be the hardest thing to digest. If pregnancy was a walk in a park, I am sure all women would like to pregnant every day all day. However, life isn't as simple as that. People often expect pregnant women to be wide eyed happy about every single day in their lives. People think we go to bed besides ourselves happy and wake freaking excited about everything!!! YEAAHH!! Not so much. The worst, is when we don't seem so over excited about things,  people start to think that we are either very regretful or blame the child. God forbid!!
 Let me just give a taste of what goes on in a pregnant woman's daily life.

First few weeks when she found she was pregnant she was probably so scared that she ended up crying alone in the bathroom. You didn't even notice that.
There was no break between understanding what just happened and the sudden rush of hormones that completely took over her life.  You didn't even notice that too.
She feels sick every morning. The sickness gets so bad that she eventually gets use to it. She tries to snack on things to keep the nausea down. Not once did she blame the baby or God on that. You didn't even notice.
Her footsteps are more careful. She starts to think differently, it is not just about her anymore. So she doesn't take the short cuts in life anymore. She doesn't walk on wet floors in case she slips, she checks out the traffic thoroughly before crossing the streets. You still didn't notice.
Even though she is going through the sickness and not being able to keep food down, she worries for her little one, she wants to get all the nutrients in her body for the sake of the child. She moves away from those that smoke around her, she actually ends up shouting at the smokers. How dare they!! You still didn't notice.

She still behaves like a professional woman. Regardless of the sickness, the back ache, the swollen feet, the head aches, the bleeding nose, the rapid weight gain, she STILL gets up and goes to work. At work she literally keeps her hormones down so that she doesn't shoot people. She works a full day, goes home and cooks, washes things, cares for the ones around her. You didn't bother to notice.
She goes to work even though her status is ranked so high by God where she doesn't have to carry such a burden on her, where paradise is at her feet. Yet, she still does her duty, helping those around her.
She looks at herself in the mirrors, she looks at he bump and is overwhelmed with joy, at the same time she bursts into tears as her body is transforming into something that she isn't use to. She sucks it up when people comment on her weight gain, when people call her too big for the month or when people make her feel larger than life. You still didn't notice.
She sacrifices her wants, puts her ambitions on hold for the sake of the child. Everything that she pursues change direction as she includes her little one in everything that she plans.  You still didn't notice.

So a pregnant woman goes through a lot, puts up with a lot and has to deal with a lot. Yet, you didn't notice any of the hardship she endures.   Image you having a gas problem, urine problem, headache, stretching joints, aching feet and heartburn all at the same time, I don't think you would be happy all the time.  There is this illusion that pregnancy is full of pink and beautiful colors  Yes, part of it is beautiful but there is a great part where it is not so beautiful. The best you can do is to make her feel good, to make her feel that she is not going through it all alone.
So when you do see a cranky pregnant woman, try to be understanding. Who knows the baby could be sitting on her bladder and all she wants is just some relief.

Want to go back to Saudi.

It has taken me a long while to actually get down and dirty and start writing about certain issues that I have been coming across.

One of my major issues was religion. I don't like that word, for it puts you in a box. So, he does this and that, goes to this mosque and that mosque, eats like this and that.....so he has to be "religious".
We wear this "religious" cape as a form of identity, expecting those around us to put us in a box. For me there is no such thing as religion, there is only a way of life....a deen.

Since I left Saudi Arabia, it has been hard for me to keep the abundance of blessing I got from Saudi. You are wondering, how hard is it to keep a blessing?  Well, the fact that at some point in my life I got up with a hungry heart, to pray and to read Surah Al Yasin every morning. The fact that, a Friday for me was a day to really look forward to from doing my Fajr pray as soon as I heard the Azan(Athan) and proceeding it with prayers and reading Surah Al Kahaf. The fact the abundance of blessings were things that I never had to worry about that are now becoming a stressful chore. How I enjoyed that my life was running according to the schedule of the prayers.  How amazing it was to be dressed in an abaya and going to school to take it off  because I COULD take it off and being surrounded by many ladies. The blessing of never having to worry about being accused of any crimes, because as life was "restricted", it was hard to fall into any traps nor were there any traps! Life was an absolute blessing.

Especially today I felt more and more depressed of what I was deeply afraid of ! This so called Freedom in this part of the world, which actually is more like a prison.
I miss feeling super beautiful at school, because in Saudi I could feel like that, because they actually gave us school just for girls. A place any woman could feel like a woman. No pretense, no hang ups, not wearing nasty clothes that are actually a burden. Not spending time wondering "Am I looking covered up enough." I am tired of hearing "Your boob is almost showing." I never had to hear that.
The funny thing is, even if I could wear an abaya, it would be like death roe, people staring, pointing and I am sure I wouldn't be allowed to enter the gates of my school if I ever had to rock up with an abaya and a niqab.

You are probably thinking that I am super crazy for even mentioning this. However, I think that some girl out there would probably feel the same as me.
I think I am at the point where I would take the first plane to Saudi back just to have a peace of mind.

Even today I was thinking of one the days that me and my friend decided to gate crash a wedding. It was one of the coolest events in Saudi for me. The fact that we didn't have to worry about any dudes hanging around, because it was a place ONLY  for girls.

Now, I am appreciating Saudi in my memories. I appreciate I could live a complete Islamic life. Because my surrounding were so well conditions, it was inevitable that it encouraged me to do more worshiping to my Lord, to visit our Holy City, to be near Muslims, to enjoy the sound of the Athan from a distance and to be stricken with peace in all directions.

However, I can't give up. I simply can't. I think my inner jihad is more alive now that it has been before. I think my battles will only get harder from this day on. All I can do is grasp every courage I have and try to do my best to abide by the laws, even if they are a tad harder.

It is funny, I am living in a predominately Islamic country, but I feel that Islam is further away.
People argue about things that don't have a basis for an argument. For example, I know and it is written in the Holy Quran that everyone should take the name of their real father, even if he/she is adopted. As a Muslim I want to honor that law by keeping the name of my father, but some people still want to argue about that. I didn't know that the Quran was arguable if you were a believer. We might as well argue the 5 daily prayers, or giving zakat or fasting. However, it proved to me one thing, it proved to me that, even if a society decided something that is wrong, you don't have to agree nor follow it. For the sake of what? It also raised the question up of, who are trying to please? The people, the families or are you trying to please Allah. You can please them on earth, but I don't think it will be the case in the Hereafter.

So that is my moaning and groaning for the day.

I want to tear my hair out and crawl under a rock for a whole week.

Peace!

No Ma'am!

So, it has been about 10 days since I left Saudi and I am pretty much going through a major transition in my life.

One thing I love and hate is change. I love change because it is part of life, part of nature and it is inevitable. However, I also do hate change sometimes, because it kills the comfort zone that I set up and gotten used to. None the less, I choose the embrace change instead of fighting.

I can't exactly say where in the middle east I am, but I am in a place where there are no black people. Literally I am the only black person I have seen so far. I better become my own best friend.
I think it takes a tough person to really go through what I have been going through. Luckily Turkey has given me some years of practice of how to deal with people that have never seen black people before.
However, the folks on this side of life are pretty intense. For example, today we went to buy some bread and two kids were in the same store as me. The moment the one blonde headed kid laid his eyes on me, he literally stared a hole in my forehead. He even made it a point to come as close to me as possible just to make sure that he is INDEED looking at a black person.
Little things like shopping is such a big deal, because I am conscious of myself and most of all I can't be left in peace. It is one thing if someone looks at you and then moves on, but when people stare, it makes me want to jump outside my skin and slap them all.
The one thing that runs through my mind is the fact that I am shocked that they are shocked. I mean it is year 2013 and you tell me that people have never seen African folks. We are not a novelty I promise you that much!!!
I guess that is why I am having a real difficult time liking this place. People aren't racist at all, please don't get me wrong.......but I can't stand being stared at or eyed from every corner!

Anyhow, being black is one of the smallest problems I have. My one major problem is that I have never struggled so hard to understand a culture or a group of people as much as I am struggling now. I am not sure if it is the fact that I don't understand the language or whether the lack of history I know. However, when I was in Saudi, I also didn't know the langauge at first, but I understood the people in less than a week.
This feeling of not know much about this part of the world does freak me out a great deal. I mean, as it seems that it is 99% Muslims, but 2 nights ago, it didn't sound like very Muslim. Even in South Africa we don't celebrate New Years so hard. These people party hard I guess.
Anyhow I am struggling to settle in and find myself just wanting to stay in doors. Which is sooo not like me!!!

The new journey has proven to me that life is indeed full of twists and turns and you never know what you will get in life. Sometimes I think we should stop planning and just live. Why? It is the best way to suprise yourself of what you can achieve in a small amount of time.

I am still teaching which is amazing. I love teaching, I am good at it and I am really good being in the class room. The only strange thing or the one thing I was really nervous about was teaching male students. I have been in Saudi for 3 years, being exposed to girls only. Knowing how girls are, their behaviour and reaction and their efforts in class was a breeze for me. Now, it is a bit different. My first day in class here was a bit nerve wrecking, because I know how boy students often like to joke around, being disruptive and constantly challanging their boundaries in learning.  They have been extremely respectful though, really enjoying being disciplined and guided in the correct direction.  I am curious how it will all turn out. They are lovely students and the girls are super smart and sweet. They always make the lesson so sweet.

Besides that I just want to crawl in a hole for a while and pass out. It has just been so emotional and a rollercoaster of a few days.  I would like to find a nice hobbie for myself to keep my mind of the change. I'd like to attend langauge classes or even go to the local gym. However, I don't know how things work here and it is frustrating. Even the roads don't make sense here!!!

Anyhow, that is a little update about me.
Ciao!