Yes, the advice that was given to me proved to be right. I married my husband first and loved him first, but to completely understand where some agreements and disagreements come from, I had to marry his culture first in my own time. Cause within a culture, there is family culture too which is far more important than the shallow general cultural that people could possibly share. That takes a lot of work.
Luckily, I was already into the Turkish culture before, so whatever learning that took place didn't come with difficulty.
Secondly, marrying the family was another big step. The moment you realize that your husband/wife actually has parents that also have their sets of beliefs and traditions with the odd brother or sister here and there. BY far this part of learning in an inter cultural marriage is the most entertaining. Entertaining from a fence sitting position, but can be exclusive as it is assumed that I am foreign; therefore, I don't know how to prepare meals or even know how to deal with certain things in a "Turkish" way....OR any way that is expected from a native to be known. For example, I wasn't allowed to wash dishes even though that is my menial job at home. Yes, the pressure of cleaning was taken off my shoulders, but at the same time it made me feel different or special which was not what I wanted. To be part of something, I have to participate in the daily affairs. So, by simply washing dishes or even serving others made me feel part of things. So in this holiday, I insisted to help cook, help take care of my nieces and nephews, fetch the water, and lay out the table because it gave me a sense of belonging ; a sense of " you are part of us; not different at all".
Finally, marrying my husband again and again and again. The best part of an intercultural marriage is that there is so much to teach and learn. Not just learning of what is on the surface of how our cultures meet, but the deep elements of what can either set you apart of keep your marriage strong. The best element we share is the importance of the gender role we both understand from our backgrounds. I love being a wife and a mom, so I don't like him getting in the way of that. As a mom, I feel I am the engineer of how my home runs and functions, and I wouldn't deal with having a man tell me how to run it. On the other hand, he is the engineer that maintains the home, making sure it keeps running. I like that these roles are clear and each person contributes their best attitude and character every time.
One more thing I am grateful for is that we both appreciate distance from our families. If it is any advice I can give anyone is, when you get married, move far away from your parents and his /her parents. The distance sounds a bit scary in the beginning, but it is that distance that will save you. The distance allows you as a person to seek comfort in your partner and not to run to your parents when things don't go your way. Secondly, the family does not mix in your business; less family, less stress. It also stops gossip and bad mouthing your spouse.
The big question is: is it worth it to marry into another culture??? Damn straight, it is worth it. It is worth it when you really love and adore your partner, at the end it is them. It all depends how both parties make it easier or harder for one another. Yes, inter cultural relationships are hard, but they have so much joy and help you grow outside your paradigm.
