One of my major issues was religion. I don't like that word, for it puts you in a box. So, he does this and that, goes to this mosque and that mosque, eats like this and that.....so he has to be "religious".
We wear this "religious" cape as a form of identity, expecting those around us to put us in a box. For me there is no such thing as religion, there is only a way of life....a deen.
Since I left Saudi Arabia, it has been hard for me to keep the abundance of blessing I got from Saudi. You are wondering, how hard is it to keep a blessing? Well, the fact that at some point in my life I got up with a hungry heart, to pray and to read Surah Al Yasin every morning. The fact that, a Friday for me was a day to really look forward to from doing my Fajr pray as soon as I heard the Azan(Athan) and proceeding it with prayers and reading Surah Al Kahaf. The fact the abundance of blessings were things that I never had to worry about that are now becoming a stressful chore. How I enjoyed that my life was running according to the schedule of the prayers. How amazing it was to be dressed in an abaya and going to school to take it off because I COULD take it off and being surrounded by many ladies. The blessing of never having to worry about being accused of any crimes, because as life was "restricted", it was hard to fall into any traps nor were there any traps! Life was an absolute blessing.
Especially today I felt more and more depressed of what I was deeply afraid of ! This so called Freedom in this part of the world, which actually is more like a prison.
I miss feeling super beautiful at school, because in Saudi I could feel like that, because they actually gave us school just for girls. A place any woman could feel like a woman. No pretense, no hang ups, not wearing nasty clothes that are actually a burden. Not spending time wondering "Am I looking covered up enough." I am tired of hearing "Your boob is almost showing." I never had to hear that.
The funny thing is, even if I could wear an abaya, it would be like death roe, people staring, pointing and I am sure I wouldn't be allowed to enter the gates of my school if I ever had to rock up with an abaya and a niqab.
You are probably thinking that I am super crazy for even mentioning this. However, I think that some girl out there would probably feel the same as me.
I think I am at the point where I would take the first plane to Saudi back just to have a peace of mind.
Even today I was thinking of one the days that me and my friend decided to gate crash a wedding. It was one of the coolest events in Saudi for me. The fact that we didn't have to worry about any dudes hanging around, because it was a place ONLY for girls.
Now, I am appreciating Saudi in my memories. I appreciate I could live a complete Islamic life. Because my surrounding were so well conditions, it was inevitable that it encouraged me to do more worshiping to my Lord, to visit our Holy City, to be near Muslims, to enjoy the sound of the Athan from a distance and to be stricken with peace in all directions.
However, I can't give up. I simply can't. I think my inner jihad is more alive now that it has been before. I think my battles will only get harder from this day on. All I can do is grasp every courage I have and try to do my best to abide by the laws, even if they are a tad harder.
It is funny, I am living in a predominately Islamic country, but I feel that Islam is further away.
People argue about things that don't have a basis for an argument. For example, I know and it is written in the Holy Quran that everyone should take the name of their real father, even if he/she is adopted. As a Muslim I want to honor that law by keeping the name of my father, but some people still want to argue about that. I didn't know that the Quran was arguable if you were a believer. We might as well argue the 5 daily prayers, or giving zakat or fasting. However, it proved to me one thing, it proved to me that, even if a society decided something that is wrong, you don't have to agree nor follow it. For the sake of what? It also raised the question up of, who are trying to please? The people, the families or are you trying to please Allah. You can please them on earth, but I don't think it will be the case in the Hereafter.
So that is my moaning and groaning for the day.
I want to tear my hair out and crawl under a rock for a whole week.
Peace!
