A new journey, A new story- what does not break me, only makes me stronger!

I always believe that life takes you to places in order to teach you a lesson or to reveal our inner strength and weaknesses.

If it had to be any other time in my life that the Lord above is testing me, it has to be now.

For 3 weeks I haven't been sure of where I will be. The only thing I saw was my lovely holiday and not giving much thought of my return to Saudi. I wasn't prepare for the changes that were about to struck me.

When I arrived in Saudi it was nice to be "home". Well, Saudi can be classified as home, since it is my place of residence for more than a year now. I always enjoy coming back to Saudi, to see the dust settling in mid air and the palm trees gracefully waving in the subtle breeze. 

I was told that I was going to a very small town that I couldn't find
 on google maps. When I eventually arrived at the small town, I was told that I was going to a smaller town. 

So for about 4 days I spent moving from one place to another, between all of this I had to get my iqama renewed and had to go to Riyadh again. 

So, right now, I am finally settled and ready for the year.

I live in a small town that is in the middle of the sand dunes of Saudi. The beautiful part of this town is that, it has a lot of the old clay houses.There is only one main street here, so, there isn't much here. There are camel farms all over the show. While we were driving towards this town, about 2 camels crossed the road. 

I am curious to know how old this town is. What I do know is that it hasn't evolved much and I haven't seen any women outside except for myself and my shadow. 

Today I went to a store near my place to buy somethings to eat and to cook at home. When I got there, it was as if I was entering a shop in those small towns where everyone is looking at you, because somehow they know you are a stranger. While I was doing my shopping, I looked around and realised that this is a small town indeed. I mean, I couldn't even find proper toilet paper. All I could think of was "Allah wants me to be here, I just need to be patient." I won't lie that the tears were about to pop. It is different being in a different place, but when you are the only one in it, with no one that looks familiar, it is something that can break any strong heart.

The second cultural shock I got was when I was at the pay point, and I asked for a phone card, and the man just looked at me. Now, I know that English isn't that big in Saudi, but I never had to struggle for it. For the first time, I couldn't seem to make this man understand that I needed a phone card. I actually held up the queue, and 2 more Saudi s got involved trying to help me. Eventually they understood what I wanted and I just had a sigh of relief.
The third cultural shock I experienced was when I got home and I had to use to bathroom. I realized that I didn't have a western toilet. I stood at the bathroom door just looking at the Eastern Toilet, which is a hole in the ground and finally I broke down in to tears. I was ready to call my mama and  tell her I am coming back to South Africa.  However, I pulled myself together and thought to myself that I can't leave my job, my experiences just for a toilet. 

At that moment, even though I have been in Saudi for a year, I haven't met the realness of Saudi. For a year, Saudi was like looking at a picture that I wasn't part of. Living in Jouf was easy. I stayed in a compound with all the other teachers. I didn't need to learn Arabic, I didn't need to struggle or be faced with any cultural shock.

For the first time, I feel the difference. For the first time I am actually living in Saudi. 

I am curious and very afraid of where this journey will lead me to. Curious, because I want to learn, I want to see who I am  and where I am going. Afraid, because I am doing it alone. I think, for the first time, loneliness called me by my name and I didn't like the sound of it.  I realised that I am a strong girl, no doubt, but underneath I am still a girl, I bruise easily. My close friends would tell you that I am a tough girl, travelling on my own, doing things that I love and not letting anyone stand in my way. However, I am a fragile girl, when the going gets tough, I do want to break in to pieces, but keep myself from it. 

During my moving around and feeling overhelmed, I did have a freak out session. I immediately contacted my brother and told him "dude, I can't live here." He gave me an answer that I couldn't fight with, no matter how much I wanted to, it was too real and to obvious. He said "Allah wants you to be there. He put you there for a reason."  At that moment, I didn't feel desolated, alone and overwhelmed. There are reasons for things in life. I left Jouf for reasons that I felt strongly about and Allah put me here for reasons that I still need to find.

My prayers did get answered. One of them is that I am joining an Islamic Centre, I am working with people that are painfully kind and nice, I got to be in a Saudi house, and being surrounded by Arabic, I will learn it, and Inshallah I will be able to read the Qu'ran the way it is supposed to be read. 

So prayers do get answered, some people can see them and some don't. I don't want to make the mistake of not seeing prayers that are answered. Even though the picture might not be the way we want it to be, but it is perfect for us.  

So, even through all of the shock, the tiredness, the moving and the loneliness, I managed to see the bigger picture. I managed to make peace with myself. I am living, eating, breathing and healthy. What more could a person ask for. Alhamdulilah. This is also a new learning curb for me. An ayah from Surah Al Baqarah came to my heart "Allah burdens not a person beyond his cope"(286). This made me realize that if I wasn't strong enough or meant for this then surely I wouldn't be here. So, in the light of that, I accepted it all and now I am living well and peace. Alhamduliah.

It is a new page, a new road of everything and I am loving my new school. Who knows I might just decide to live in this town forever....well, ok, not forever, but atleast long enough to learn something new.

Remember this "What does not break you, can only make you stronger." True words!