Secrets! Kiss and Don't tell!

You are probably wondering why I want to write about this topic....well, because it is something we all have in common. SECRETS!

Secrets are always part of our world, or a sub world that we would like to keep hidden from others. Whether big or small, secrets matter to us, since they can either expose who we truly are or protect us from the others.
I have always been terrible in keeping secrets for 2 reasons.  First of all, I have the tension inside my conscious of knowing something that nobody knows and causing my mouth to water. Secondly, I have always liked the idea of sharing a "burden" ,because some secrets are too much to carry on my own.
However, this year it all changed for me. I realised that, secrets play a deeper, a more sensitive role to the people I love and that I'm connected to. Secrets allow us to do things and at the same time protect the ones we love.
Please don't get me wrong, I am not saying it is right to do things behind people's backs. However, if we are faced with any kind of dilema,sometimes somethings are just "best" kept closed and quiet.

Why has my mentality changed over secret?.First of all, I have realised what is on the line, when a secret comes out. It is not just the embarrassment of it, but it is the complete humiliation that stares that person dead in the eye while there rest of the world is laughing or gasping. Secondly, it hurts others. If it is big secret that has many people involved, once that secret is out, it is like an earthquake, it only needs an epicenter, and the rest of the area will quake.
I have also known that people don't need to know. It is not everyone's business. So why tell in the first place?
No matter how big or small the secret is, not everyone needs to know about it.

Secrets are inevitable just like sin is inevitable, we can't keep our hands out of the cookie jar, we can't stop ourselves. Once we do something despicable or shameful, our best resort is to keep it a secret. To keep it inside of ourselves, so that no one can judge us, so that the deed we did doesn't shame our ego.

I was in a terrible incident this year, which started as an honest mistake that turned out to be something painful. I blame it on myself, I was the epicenter of this incident, because it happened to me and I didn't know how to deal with it. I told one person, only one person and I can safely say that I made a big mistake by doing that.
This incident almost cost someone's job and reputation. It cost me ,my honor, my privacy and my vision as a woman.
However, I would like to say that, I learned from that one mistake. I should have kept it to myself, I shouldn't have told anyone , even if people say "it is the right thing to do" or "the truth sets you free". No, the human truth sets us all up for failure.
What is the moral of this story? Well, keep your secrets, don't worry about them hurting others, worry about how they will hurt you. If you ache to tell them, tell them to God or to your mother, believe me these two are the most trustworthy.
This is the bitter-sweetness of secrets, they are often juicy and sweet, but leaves a bitter after taste when the whole world knows. 

Some time-out in Skakah

  My life in Saudi is most definitely not all about teaching....well, 80 % of it, is. However, I came to Saudi to taste, to smell, to absorb this culture, this country that is considered one of the most "private" countries in the world.
I will not lie, before I came to Saudi about 6 months ago, I was embraced with fear, not knowing what to expect. What can you expect if there is no information to base your expectations on. I started getting worried, when I kept searching on google.com and I couldn't find anything, it used to make me more uncomfortable. I was stuck between two extreme feelings; feeling of over excitement to finally see the dome of Islam, and a feeling of complete fear of not knowing what to expect.

When I finally arrived in Saudi Arabia, all I can remember of my drive from the King Abdul-Aziz Airport were the high way road that were decorated with palm trees and the dusty afternoon sunset. I think the spaciousness also had its own feel, something that I can't describe.
 However, Saudi is very different depending where you are in the Kingdom. Riyadh is not the same as Skakah....and that is the fact. Even the women don't wear the same abayas. Like our own countries, each city, each town has its own people, its own ideas and things they hold on to.
Skakah, did take my breath away, literally....... All I experienced for the first week was a 40 minute bus trip from school to work, and all I could see was just heap after heap of sand.
However, the sand in Saudi is some what different. You can find yourself staring at the sand dunes for hours and you won't get bored. There is some kind of depth with it all, being far away from hype and finding yourself in a quiet space.
I clearly remember that it was my second month of being in Skakah that the deafening silence started to affect me. Silence is good, but I firmly believe that too much of it,can drive one insane. For about a week in the second month, I wasn't sure if I was coming or going, living or dying, losing complete track of time and thought. The absence of chaos, completely swallowed me in, and I found myself praying harder, sleeping more just to let it pass. I never thought that Allah does give what we ask for, in an abundance. I prayed for quietness, and he gave me 100% peace, where it was only me and Him.

I reminded myself that I didn't come to this county just to teach. I came to learn about myself, my love for teaching, improve my Arabic and to perfect myself in my religion.
Just as I was asking for it, BOOM, it came. Soon, I started enjoying the small town Arabic culture of Skakah. I enjoy going to Shuloop street to walk about, seeing young girls in beautiful abayas and boys in their gutra and thob. The best part is going to small perfume shops, and get whisked away to a world of wonderful smells.
As a woman in Saudi I have been respected, treated with utmost care and dignity. Whenever I cross the street, the cars stop. In the shops, the men always give way for a woman to be first in the queue. A woman's safety is first in this country and most of all ,her honor and dignity is well protected.
What I love about Saudi is that there is no judgement being passed on to a woman, half the time a woman's body and face is covered, which is the best thing on this planet. I can go do my shopping in peace and quiet without someone trying to make a pass at me.
Besides all of that, the food in Saudi has been a real treat. From kabsah to tabulah, japrak, kunefa and many more dishes, it has been a heavenly experience for my taste buds. I have been exploring my cooking skills, by making my own , baklava, manti, schwarma, tabula and spinach dishes. I have been spending most of my time trying to figure out how to cook certain dishes, how to be more creative and to use my time in an effective manner.
Skakah is just that, a small town, not much to do, not much to see really, but good enough for anyone to learn a new culture. A place to take some serious time out and to let go of the crazy world of the west!

The classroom part 1-The joys of being a teacher......

i love it when they put up their hands!

I vividly remember when I was only 6 years old, I used to pretend that my bedroom was filled with ghost students and I used to teach them. Yes, I loved my grade 1 teacher so much that I used to mimic her in my bedroom. I use to tell my ghost students "sit down", "shut up", "write like this" and "why didn't you do your homework". I know it sounds scary.....doesn't it?

Well, I didn't know that I will actually become a teacher!  My mom keeps telling me that she could see it at an early age.  I hate to quote Operah, but she did point out that a study has shown, you are most likely to become the person you are when you were six. So, the behaviour you displayed when you were six, the chances are great that you will become that person. 

Well, being a teacher is really not the same as how I have imagined it,especially when one is a foreign language teacher. A teacher's job doesn't end in the classroom and the blackboard. No, being a teacher is the same as being a mother, but more in an intellectual fashion. 

After class my throat often hurts and I get a brain freeze of probably repeating myself. For example "sit still!, "why are you talking while I am talking?", "why can't you just do as I tell you"?, "no, don't do that", "do this", "try again" "again", "are you kidding me", "this is becoming very disastrous","why don't you care, because I care". I look at this, and I realize that my mom used to say the same words let alone my teachers.

The struggles that a teacher goes through aren't just the marking, giving attendance, giving participation, giving lessons, planning lessons, helping them to learn a whole new language and more. No, a teacher's struggles are also impeded in her fear of letting the students down and wanting them to realize their fullest potential. Most of the time , before entering my classroom, I do a small prayer "Please God let them be excited to learn something new." A teacher often cares about the welfare of the students, to help them gain confidence, to pursue their dreams and aspirations. 

A teacher is responsible for shaping these young students and to prepare them for what is lying ahead and encourage them to do their best. I look at my students and I feel a care for them in every sense of the word. Yes,sometimes they drive my insane asking me to play "games" with them,and I keep asking them "how old are you?" However, whenever an exam or a test comes I hope that they will all remember the work they have studied. I have flashback of the ones who have a problem with this or that,  and wonder if she will be able to fix that problem in the test. 

Another teacher's quality is having a fantastic memory. Believe me, no one can screw with my memory. I remember each student's name, second name and tribal name and I remember their personalities. I thought that I would forget my first class, but somehow I remember all of them. I even have the class list imprinted in my head, who's name comes first and who's name is last. Yes, that is how much brain activity a teacher has. 

Another wonderful thing a teacher has is the ability to adapt to any student's personality. You can scan the personality, adjust your answer in a particular way,  even when the answer is just "no". 

I have taught students in Turkey and now I am in Saudi Arabia, teaching young girls who want to become things in their lives. I get excited when they tell me about their dreams and the things they would love to do and see. It is the best part when we all have a small discussion about the world and how they would love to change it.

I always end my class by telling them that everything in life is possible if you keep your head up high and walk forward.

By far, the saddest part of my day is when they run off , because the lesson is finished and I am left behind with an empty classroom. Sometimes the air conditioner is on, and the chairs are left empty with water bottles underneath them ,and all I do is sit and enjoy the silence for a few minutes before I become bored and want them back in my classroom. 

As I wipe the board off and putting everything away,  ready to lock up, I realize that today they have learned something, even if they didn't realize it. My students are special and kind, I appreciate all of them for who they are and what they want in life.

Now that I am a teacher, I realize how important teachers are. They are there to see how a child spells his/her own name  for the first time. They are there when the tears are rolling down when it is the child's first step into the big world, they are there to discipline and to incorporate good social behaviour. Most of all teachers are there to shape children. I appreciate all of the teachers that have taught me, and have given me the guidance to  seek my path in life.

Being a teacher is really more than the blackboard and the books. So appreciate your teacher once in a while......