The term "Ghirah", is an Arabic word which means "protectiveness", or "good jealousy". This term infers that men should have a slight sense of jealousy towards their wives and brothers towards their sisters.
This is a very good characteristic because it protects the pride of the family and keeps the boundaries clear of what is acceptable and not acceptable.
I am completely for this because I do believe that we need to be protective towards people we love and care about.
One example a man can show his "ghirah" is by encouraging his wife to wear the hijab, to not wear clothing that can attract attention, or simply by keeping away from company with men that are not related to her.
It is actually a man's responsibility to ensure that he enforces the "hijab". Don't misread my words, not force her but enforce the hijab. So, he can tell her to wear the hijab, but if she doesn't want to wear it, it is her decision, and she will face the consequences with God.
However, my issue is that the concept and the idea of ghirah has totally been blown out of proportion to the point that it actually causes people to sin in order to uphold their "ghirah".
The following are NOT ghirah:
1. Spying/Espionage: Some men think that it is their duty to be so protective that it leads to bad jealousy. This involves a man spying on his wife. Then in turn, these men use "ghirah" as their explanation for their actions. I do not record a hadith nor a Quranic verse that supports this. Actually, espionage is a grave sin in Islam.
I don't know how many of you feel aboud this, but I certainly know that I don't like someone spying on me. Not that I have anything to hide. Spying is a dangerous thing because it can be manipulated to fit your desired outcome. For example, you might see your wife/husband speaking to a co-worker about work; however, due to your issues you might mistaken it for him/her getting too close to someone at work.
This includes someone going to your e-mail without you even knowing it and does his research as he pleases. The reason that I have a big problem with this is; if you wish to check your partners mail, why don't you just ask them first? What is the harm in that? If you just go into someone's e-mail, maybe even an old e-mail, you ARE LOOKING TO FIND SOMETHING INCRIMINATING. If you wanted to do something that is honest, why not ask in the first place? The same way you ask before entering the bathroom, why couldn't you at least respect your spouse even to ask first.What harm is in here? By the way that kind of action is NOT "ghirah" at all.
2. Forbidding your partner to have a life. Someone men and women take this idea of good jealousy so far that their partner can't even life the life that the dear Lord has given them. When your wife wants to join some girl friends for lunch, all of a sudden you forbid her to go because you have some notion that she might go see some man. Once again, if you have trust issues, why did you enter into marriage the first place?
Trust is something that is not just born, trust is learned and developed. Every time you suspect someone of doing something, then you have ZERO trust. I might as well tell you to throw your wedding ring down the toilet because you will never ever sleep well. You can't prevent your partner from living. If you isolate your partner from her family or even her friends then you are doing yourself a disservice because she will hate your guts for the rest of your life. I remember that girls in Saudi had even more freedom to see their friends than some Muslims women in our countries. Why? Naturally men and women are segregated in Saudi, so there was some kind of peace of mind that girls are at their girlfriends' houses.So, why are you modern day man trippin???
3. Using force and violence. This is the worst kind of jealousy. Unfortunately this happens all the time. You have some men/women who actually force their partners to do whatever they want to do, to control them to the point that that person has no ability anymore. When these partners fail to be whatever you want them to be, you intimidate them by abusive means. If you think you are walking around with a halo like an angel, why don't you marry yourself then. I can't stand abuse, most of all I can't stand abuse that stem out of jealousy. That kind of relationship is toxic, and worst thing is that you can't change a person that is like that.
4. Leave the past in the past. I have about 6 friends that have gotten married in the past 3 years. All of them are not Muslim. They have done the worst things in their past, I mean, they were bad ass.However, their marriages are AMAZING!!! On the other hand, I know of two of Muslim marriages where it is as stiff as starch. Here is my thinking... So, here are Muslim sisters stuck in this modern world trying their best to walk the straight path. Avoiding alcohol, wearing the hijab, perhaps she might have fallen in love at some point and didn't work out, but she still walked a straight path so that she can walk into marriage with you STILLVa virgin, and YET you still give her a hard time of what she did in the past. Who the f@#$ are you? I don't remember an angel in heaven sending down a halo over your head.Until that day happens, stop walking on earth as if the mountains bow down to you.That is why personally I always see some Muslim relationships(NOT ALL) always in a "stress zone". People walking on egg shells the whole day, the woman can't let her hair down. You asking her to feel safe in her home, to be at her most comfortable.How can anyone feel comfortable when they are constantly put on a probation period? She even gives up her career, but still she is under suspicion She wears the hijab out of her own will because she FEARS ALLAH, but yet she is still under doubt in your eyes. There are many, as in many Muslim brothers out there participating in bad activity, but when they are ready to marry, they want to fall into a girl's arm that has never done what they have done!! Can someone please tell me where the sense is in that? This is the one thing that annoys me big time. And society acts as if it is okay?
This part touches my heart deeply because I probably would be in the same boat. The funny thing is I remember when I was in a halaqah in my earlier days when I became Muslim and I distinctively remember one lady saying that, you shouldn't disclose information that would cause harm to you in the future. If you have sincerely repented for that action and did not repeat it, then that is between you and God. Obviously if it defaults something dire in your future then you will need to speak up, but if it doesn't cause harm then you don't have to. You have people going to Ummrah for things that they have done. And Allah gives them mercy and forgiveness for their sins. Then you will find people still questioning people's character. Who are you to question someone. Who died and made you God? No one, so stop acting that way.
This not ghirah, this is simple pride. The fact that you want to gloat and feel good about yourself. You start feeling good about yourself from yourself before moving on to people.
I wanted to cover this topic for so long because I constantly hear this "good jealousy" thing, but no one is practicing it in the right way.
The Prophet (pbuh) never spied on his wives? He didn't go behind their backs and tried to suss out information that was irrelevant. He didn't go out and do bad things, and then expected his wives to be wonderful beings from heaven. Instead he treated them as the center of his heart. He enjoyed a good company with them. He displayed complete ghirah, by being protective of them, informing them how to dress in public.
Instead of making your partner,man or woman feeling crap, why don't you actually practice ghirah by treating her in such a way that she is blinded by your love.
Peace!
Beautifully written dear Zahra! Fun to read too!
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