Picture Perfect - Mommy and baby

I have always been obsessed with pictures of mother and baby animal pictures. I think animals have the same emotions and affections as we do. I recently watched an elephant giving birth to her baby. After the baby came out, he/she was lying lifeless on the floor. The mom elephant got freaked out,  and she started moving her baby around to get it to wake up.  The mom proceeded to wrap her trunk around her baby's trunk and pulled the baby's head up. This movement somehow opened the airways for the baby. Suddenly the baby took its first breath, freaked out, eyes moving around. Soon the baby was on its feet next to his mom.

After watching this video clip tears were streaming down my face at how a mom, any mom has the instinct to help her young, whether an animal or not. It makes you think that life is so much more than what our naked eyes can see.

I collected these pictures, because they resemble life and unity between a mom and her young. As usual.....the fathers are not featured :)lol!

Our love can't be measured nor it's height be taken.

Mommy's love is always a wet kiss on the face. 

Each day is an adventure of learning. 

Happiness is you! 

I'm just comfy where I am. 

We all need a little push sometimes. 

There is always enough love in my heart for all of you. 

Pregnancy Bliss

Nothing gives you a reality check than being pregnant. Yes, I said it! Yes, I am almost 5 months pregnant , and life is peachy.
Being pregnant has been a journey that is so different to anything that I have experienced. It is as if God is so much there, and you are so much aware of His presence.
The best thing about pregnancy is really falling in love with the little one. No one knows how powerful that love is. I have to say, NOW I know what my mom's love feels like towards me. Every change, every moment alarms you in such away that you end up being stressed 24/7 about this little one.
The best thing about my little one is that he/she pretty much wakes up when I wake. Whenever I take a small rest between classes, she always gives me a slight kick to say "Good job mom. Teach these kids a lesson." So, being an expecting mom has so much emotional impact on the way you perceive life, live life, and understanding life.

Even though pregnancy is the most phenomenal thing that can happen to a woman, it can also be the hardest thing to digest. If pregnancy was a walk in a park, I am sure all women would like to pregnant every day all day. However, life isn't as simple as that. People often expect pregnant women to be wide eyed happy about every single day in their lives. People think we go to bed besides ourselves happy and wake freaking excited about everything!!! YEAAHH!! Not so much. The worst, is when we don't seem so over excited about things,  people start to think that we are either very regretful or blame the child. God forbid!!
 Let me just give a taste of what goes on in a pregnant woman's daily life.

First few weeks when she found she was pregnant she was probably so scared that she ended up crying alone in the bathroom. You didn't even notice that.
There was no break between understanding what just happened and the sudden rush of hormones that completely took over her life.  You didn't even notice that too.
She feels sick every morning. The sickness gets so bad that she eventually gets use to it. She tries to snack on things to keep the nausea down. Not once did she blame the baby or God on that. You didn't even notice.
Her footsteps are more careful. She starts to think differently, it is not just about her anymore. So she doesn't take the short cuts in life anymore. She doesn't walk on wet floors in case she slips, she checks out the traffic thoroughly before crossing the streets. You still didn't notice.
Even though she is going through the sickness and not being able to keep food down, she worries for her little one, she wants to get all the nutrients in her body for the sake of the child. She moves away from those that smoke around her, she actually ends up shouting at the smokers. How dare they!! You still didn't notice.

She still behaves like a professional woman. Regardless of the sickness, the back ache, the swollen feet, the head aches, the bleeding nose, the rapid weight gain, she STILL gets up and goes to work. At work she literally keeps her hormones down so that she doesn't shoot people. She works a full day, goes home and cooks, washes things, cares for the ones around her. You didn't bother to notice.
She goes to work even though her status is ranked so high by God where she doesn't have to carry such a burden on her, where paradise is at her feet. Yet, she still does her duty, helping those around her.
She looks at herself in the mirrors, she looks at he bump and is overwhelmed with joy, at the same time she bursts into tears as her body is transforming into something that she isn't use to. She sucks it up when people comment on her weight gain, when people call her too big for the month or when people make her feel larger than life. You still didn't notice.
She sacrifices her wants, puts her ambitions on hold for the sake of the child. Everything that she pursues change direction as she includes her little one in everything that she plans.  You still didn't notice.

So a pregnant woman goes through a lot, puts up with a lot and has to deal with a lot. Yet, you didn't notice any of the hardship she endures.   Image you having a gas problem, urine problem, headache, stretching joints, aching feet and heartburn all at the same time, I don't think you would be happy all the time.  There is this illusion that pregnancy is full of pink and beautiful colors  Yes, part of it is beautiful but there is a great part where it is not so beautiful. The best you can do is to make her feel good, to make her feel that she is not going through it all alone.
So when you do see a cranky pregnant woman, try to be understanding. Who knows the baby could be sitting on her bladder and all she wants is just some relief.

Want to go back to Saudi.

It has taken me a long while to actually get down and dirty and start writing about certain issues that I have been coming across.

One of my major issues was religion. I don't like that word, for it puts you in a box. So, he does this and that, goes to this mosque and that mosque, eats like this and that.....so he has to be "religious".
We wear this "religious" cape as a form of identity, expecting those around us to put us in a box. For me there is no such thing as religion, there is only a way of life....a deen.

Since I left Saudi Arabia, it has been hard for me to keep the abundance of blessing I got from Saudi. You are wondering, how hard is it to keep a blessing?  Well, the fact that at some point in my life I got up with a hungry heart, to pray and to read Surah Al Yasin every morning. The fact that, a Friday for me was a day to really look forward to from doing my Fajr pray as soon as I heard the Azan(Athan) and proceeding it with prayers and reading Surah Al Kahaf. The fact the abundance of blessings were things that I never had to worry about that are now becoming a stressful chore. How I enjoyed that my life was running according to the schedule of the prayers.  How amazing it was to be dressed in an abaya and going to school to take it off  because I COULD take it off and being surrounded by many ladies. The blessing of never having to worry about being accused of any crimes, because as life was "restricted", it was hard to fall into any traps nor were there any traps! Life was an absolute blessing.

Especially today I felt more and more depressed of what I was deeply afraid of ! This so called Freedom in this part of the world, which actually is more like a prison.
I miss feeling super beautiful at school, because in Saudi I could feel like that, because they actually gave us school just for girls. A place any woman could feel like a woman. No pretense, no hang ups, not wearing nasty clothes that are actually a burden. Not spending time wondering "Am I looking covered up enough." I am tired of hearing "Your boob is almost showing." I never had to hear that.
The funny thing is, even if I could wear an abaya, it would be like death roe, people staring, pointing and I am sure I wouldn't be allowed to enter the gates of my school if I ever had to rock up with an abaya and a niqab.

You are probably thinking that I am super crazy for even mentioning this. However, I think that some girl out there would probably feel the same as me.
I think I am at the point where I would take the first plane to Saudi back just to have a peace of mind.

Even today I was thinking of one the days that me and my friend decided to gate crash a wedding. It was one of the coolest events in Saudi for me. The fact that we didn't have to worry about any dudes hanging around, because it was a place ONLY  for girls.

Now, I am appreciating Saudi in my memories. I appreciate I could live a complete Islamic life. Because my surrounding were so well conditions, it was inevitable that it encouraged me to do more worshiping to my Lord, to visit our Holy City, to be near Muslims, to enjoy the sound of the Athan from a distance and to be stricken with peace in all directions.

However, I can't give up. I simply can't. I think my inner jihad is more alive now that it has been before. I think my battles will only get harder from this day on. All I can do is grasp every courage I have and try to do my best to abide by the laws, even if they are a tad harder.

It is funny, I am living in a predominately Islamic country, but I feel that Islam is further away.
People argue about things that don't have a basis for an argument. For example, I know and it is written in the Holy Quran that everyone should take the name of their real father, even if he/she is adopted. As a Muslim I want to honor that law by keeping the name of my father, but some people still want to argue about that. I didn't know that the Quran was arguable if you were a believer. We might as well argue the 5 daily prayers, or giving zakat or fasting. However, it proved to me one thing, it proved to me that, even if a society decided something that is wrong, you don't have to agree nor follow it. For the sake of what? It also raised the question up of, who are trying to please? The people, the families or are you trying to please Allah. You can please them on earth, but I don't think it will be the case in the Hereafter.

So that is my moaning and groaning for the day.

I want to tear my hair out and crawl under a rock for a whole week.

Peace!

No Ma'am!

So, it has been about 10 days since I left Saudi and I am pretty much going through a major transition in my life.

One thing I love and hate is change. I love change because it is part of life, part of nature and it is inevitable. However, I also do hate change sometimes, because it kills the comfort zone that I set up and gotten used to. None the less, I choose the embrace change instead of fighting.

I can't exactly say where in the middle east I am, but I am in a place where there are no black people. Literally I am the only black person I have seen so far. I better become my own best friend.
I think it takes a tough person to really go through what I have been going through. Luckily Turkey has given me some years of practice of how to deal with people that have never seen black people before.
However, the folks on this side of life are pretty intense. For example, today we went to buy some bread and two kids were in the same store as me. The moment the one blonde headed kid laid his eyes on me, he literally stared a hole in my forehead. He even made it a point to come as close to me as possible just to make sure that he is INDEED looking at a black person.
Little things like shopping is such a big deal, because I am conscious of myself and most of all I can't be left in peace. It is one thing if someone looks at you and then moves on, but when people stare, it makes me want to jump outside my skin and slap them all.
The one thing that runs through my mind is the fact that I am shocked that they are shocked. I mean it is year 2013 and you tell me that people have never seen African folks. We are not a novelty I promise you that much!!!
I guess that is why I am having a real difficult time liking this place. People aren't racist at all, please don't get me wrong.......but I can't stand being stared at or eyed from every corner!

Anyhow, being black is one of the smallest problems I have. My one major problem is that I have never struggled so hard to understand a culture or a group of people as much as I am struggling now. I am not sure if it is the fact that I don't understand the language or whether the lack of history I know. However, when I was in Saudi, I also didn't know the langauge at first, but I understood the people in less than a week.
This feeling of not know much about this part of the world does freak me out a great deal. I mean, as it seems that it is 99% Muslims, but 2 nights ago, it didn't sound like very Muslim. Even in South Africa we don't celebrate New Years so hard. These people party hard I guess.
Anyhow I am struggling to settle in and find myself just wanting to stay in doors. Which is sooo not like me!!!

The new journey has proven to me that life is indeed full of twists and turns and you never know what you will get in life. Sometimes I think we should stop planning and just live. Why? It is the best way to suprise yourself of what you can achieve in a small amount of time.

I am still teaching which is amazing. I love teaching, I am good at it and I am really good being in the class room. The only strange thing or the one thing I was really nervous about was teaching male students. I have been in Saudi for 3 years, being exposed to girls only. Knowing how girls are, their behaviour and reaction and their efforts in class was a breeze for me. Now, it is a bit different. My first day in class here was a bit nerve wrecking, because I know how boy students often like to joke around, being disruptive and constantly challanging their boundaries in learning.  They have been extremely respectful though, really enjoying being disciplined and guided in the correct direction.  I am curious how it will all turn out. They are lovely students and the girls are super smart and sweet. They always make the lesson so sweet.

Besides that I just want to crawl in a hole for a while and pass out. It has just been so emotional and a rollercoaster of a few days.  I would like to find a nice hobbie for myself to keep my mind of the change. I'd like to attend langauge classes or even go to the local gym. However, I don't know how things work here and it is frustrating. Even the roads don't make sense here!!!

Anyhow, that is a little update about me.
Ciao!

The Most Embarrassing Thing Happened To Me in Saudi

Omg!! That is all I can say after the events that just took place about 5 minutes ago! I think I would like the world to swallow me whole and cover me up with the ashes of the dead....that is how worthless  I  feel right now. I am not exactly sure if I want to cry or just crawl up and die.

So I  have been really busy today, cleaning up and packing up right. I decided that after Isha I will head down to the Sook (Market) to go sell my gold ring.  So, I asked the hotel to ring up a driver for me.  So they did. The driver took me to the sook and I told him I  will call him as soon as I was done.
Very sure of myself, I went to the little gold shop to sell my ring.  I originally bought that gold ring for 800 Riyals and thought that I might sell it, if lucky for 650 and not backing down.  However, the gentleman told me he will buy it from me for 700 Riyals. I was very happy with his decision. However this is where the catastrophe started. He asked for my Iqama (ID number). Now, being the smart person I am,  I didn't think I will need my Iqama (ID) to actually sell a ring. However I needed one. So, I told him I have it at my house and I will come back as soon as possible. He agreed.

So, I head down to the little supermarket to buy some phone credit as I initially didn't have. I needed to get phone credit to call the driver again to come pick me up. I got the phone credit then BAMM!! Another problem!! The new system in Saudi needs a person to type in the Iqama number plus the voucher number in the phone to load up the credit!! That is when I was starting to shit bricks.
Soon, I thought of plan B, I know that I sent my Iqama number to this service through SMS and I could just look it up on my phone. I looked up and looked up and couldn't find it. Then I remember that I delete service messages on my phone!! Then my world slowly started crumbling down.

I was standing by the exit of sook, frantically looking in my bag for anything that had my Iqama number on it so that I can get the credit loaded to call my driver. Then BAMM!!! Again, another problem!! I cleaned out my bag earlier today! So, my passport, my photocopies of my Iqama were at home!  All I could think of what "Dear Lord from heaven above, please don't let me walk in the middle of the night back home."  However, it was the only option I had.  Who was I going to ask to to get me home? In Saudi you can't just rock up at some family and bum off a ride...especially of the fact that I am a woman!!

So, I told myself "Zimmy just calm down, we will figure something out." So, plan C, came to mind. I can walk up to that pharmacy and ask the cashier to call my driver for me. So I started walking, however I wasn't wearing the right abaya at the right time. The wind was ballistic. The worst thing that I ever dreamed of happening to me in Saudi, actually happened. Due to the hectic wind, my abaya split open!!! YES MY ABAYA ACTUALLY SPLIT OPEN!!   Holding my bag in one hand and a shopping bag in the other, I tried my  best to grab my abaya shut. I tried dropping my bags and buttoning the abaya back up. However, I couldn't do it fast enough. About 5 cars drove pass me, hooting, shouting and all that could come out of my mouth was "Oh my God, Ya Rab, Ya Rab, Ya Rab" I have never been so embarrassed in my life before!!! NEVER!!  I was also wearing colorful pants pajamas and it wasn't hard seeing it. I eventually dropped my bags, quickly buttoned myself up by the street side. Another embarrassing thing!! As a woman in Saudi you never stop by the street side!!! NEVER!! It is like apocalyptic will happen if you ever do. Just keep walking.

So, eventually I got myself together, walked as fast as I could while shouting "Oh my God, help me". Then the worst thing happened. As I was about to cross the street, the ring that I wanted to sell was on my middle right hand finger, and I forgot that my fingers are super skinny now, they can't hold that ring in. As I was crossing the street, the ring literally slipped out and fell on that main road. I wanted to stop for a second to pick it up. However, all the cars were coming at a full speed. I stood by the side, waited for them to clear so that I can run back and look for my ring. I looked and looked and couldn't find it.  I went back in to the middle of the street to look, but then another car came and hooted and clearly the person driving the car wondered "what on earth is this woman doing in the middle of the road late at night ALONE???"  My heart was in small pieces as I tried piercing my eyes to find it.
I eventually quickly ran into the pharmacy and begged the guy to call my driver. He could see that I was ready  to cry. . He peacefully passed the phone over and let me call my driver. Luckily  my driver came soon to take my sad ass back home. I told him that I lost my ring in the road and he kindly tried looking for it, he found another Egyptian to help him look for it. He told me , if they find it they will call me! For that split second I didn't care about the ring as much as I cared of how embarrassed I felt in less than 10 minutes. I looked at my hands and was just happy that it wasn't my wedding ring that fell. Because my wedding ring is priceless piece of gift, it could never be bought or sold nor its worth be determined  Besides that I think my husband would eat me up if I ever had to lose my wedding ring. :)  Alhamdulilah.

Now I am home, safely in my house. I can't believe that just happened to me!! I wonder if it has ever happened to a Saudi girl? Has a Saudi girl's abaya ever just ripped open in public? If so, what did she do? All I could think of was just asking the world to split open so that I could jump in it bury me!!

I'm just glad nothing happened to me. No religious police came, no one attacked me. Alhamdullilah!! As for the ring, sad that it is gone, but happy that I didn't lose my dignity with it!

ps: Isn't it funny when these moment happen to you, all  you want to do is cry and call your mom.

She Endures. A tribute To Women

I was reading my favourite book by Khaled Hosseini called "A thousand Splendid Suns". By far this is my favourite book and my favourite author.
I was intrigued by Khalid's writing style, his ability to make the words come alive and inspire your imagination as you read. His writing is unpredictable, full of drama, love, hurt and survival. I can't explain how much he has inspired my own writing of poetry and short stories.
One passage that stood out for me in this book is where he vividly describes Miriam's suffrage and endurance by the words of her own mother.
                                " She remembered Nana's saying once that each snowflake was a sigh heaved by an 
                                   aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. That all the sighs drifted up the sky 
                                  gathered into clouds, that broke into tiny pieces that silently fell on the people 
                                  below.As a reminder of people like us suffer, she said. How quietly we endure all
                                   that falls upon us". 


I lived this moment when I went to town to do shopping and I saw a woman covered in her abaya and niqabi holding her tiny baby, sitting by the entrance of the supermarket begging for money or food for the little one.  Quietly she endures all that fell upon her with the baby in her hand. Not much as a cry came out.
I looked at this live painting in front of me and wondered whether life was cruel, bitter-sweet in its own concept. Or is it simply a test to see how far we are willing to go for survival. Either way, the image is still stuck in my head and presses deeply in my eyes where I can't hold my own tears back.

I sometimes reflect in my own life and wondered whether I have been tainted in such a way where I also keep my silence and quietly endure. As I back track, I surely see, that I also at some point have endured, still enduring.  I don't think women in general can ever stop enduring. It is the only strength we have been given. Some of us seem to bite through it and some of us believe that even death is better than the agony it brings.  This inspired me to read about the women of the world. Famous women, rich women, progressive women and most of all ordinary women.  No matter of our paths  no matter of our experiences, we all eventually meet at the same cross road called "woman" and somehow most of us choose the path of endurance. It isn't a sign of weakness nor a sign of submissiveness. I would treat it as sign of internal strength, perfect love and sometimes with in our own pain we discover some happiness, some kind of bliss.

There fore I was pretty much inspired to write this short poem as a symbol of strength and love for all women.

Silent she is 

Whether she is as dark as night 

Or as pale as day light

Her identity doesn't lie on her skin 

Everything she is, she keeps it within.

For every tear that she cries

An angel quietly sits by her side

The best of comforts that she may find

Her love is like a well that never runs dry 

Or her love is never thirsty, never less than life

With the weight of expectation on her shoulder

A baby, a child or a father's daughter.

With all the worries in her eyes as she gets older

A girl, a woman, a bride and later a mother

Like her body changes, her mind changes too

If you look deep inside you might discover the truth

That she also, has dreams at night, hopes in the day

That she too, has wisdom, religion and hunger to pray 

That one day her silence will not go in vain

That she can get happiness that's smothered in pain

And yet you sell, trade, dispose her honor only for the world's price.

Which isn't even high, to the point she  wishes to die.

Whether in a her veil, her covering you might not see her eyes.

Ask yourself if she dead or is she even alive

She might be walking, but her heart might have stopped beating

Like a dead man walking no direction of being

So one day when you see her in her fullest of bliss

Ask Who she is rather that what she is

You won't hear a cry, a sigh or a scream

That's how silent she is. 

Some things are better left gone.

Some times it is better to express one in poetry, because the naked words are sometimes not enough.

Paper has always been my canvas to paint the picture of my mind, make the outlines of my heart and finding the niche of my thoughts.

Some things are better  left gone. 

Never thought it would be so easy to move on,

but some things are better left gone.

Now that I am carving the road on my own

Testing every part of me, my feet are firm on the ground

You were everything to me, you were my laughter

You made somethings easy and time for us didn't matter. 

But you crippled me with your words

Blind whispers of what the wind heard.

Like a sharp knife coming back at me

I was blinded! Your betrayal I didn't see

But we are grown and strong

some things are better left gone

Photographed pictures in my head of what we used to be

Like Bonny and Clyde, we were a mean team

You were my ying and I was your yang

That's why this ending is more than just sad.

You left not a smile but one big frown

How could you even kick me while I was down

The one person I thought had my best interest at heart.

Instead, it was the one person that ripped me apart. 

I would fight for you , for you to come back

But the friendship already took everything I had.

You took the memories and all that I had.

It was okay, until you sold the good for the bad 

I can't find the tune, the harmony to even morn our song

but some things are better left gone 

You took the innocents away when you created a crack

A crack in my trust of others, a crack of doubting all I had

Don't get me wrong I only wish you a pleasant life

Where you can sell the anger for a bit of a smile. 

Where you can taste the sun on your lips 

Where you can let go of this negative grip.

As for you and me being one solid song

i'm afraid some things are better left gone 

No doubt so many things said so many wrongs

but some thing are better left gone

I pray for the day you can see beauty is in the eye of the beholder

But it only comes with wisdom when you decide to grow older

Your fear is a poison to those around you

Like a sickening ivy that only make your vision  skew

To the point where no friend no love and no air is there

Then who will shield when you are scared?

You see....

We were all pretty much on your side

But you turned around and made us a lie

So, kicking us while we are down

And watching us fade and scream while we drowned.

Soon, you will come to realize that karma does exist.

Karama is never late, to elevate us when it sees fit. 

And for sake of God, I would stop Karam's wheel.

Because I wouldn't want to see a friend cut from the knees. 

But my job is done, my song has been sung.

Time for you to go on your own and see how it's done

I said my words, I unclench my fists

Like a lady, I will rise above this

So, my friend this is it, excuse me for any of my wrongs.

But some things are better left gone.